Diary ng Mataba [COMPLETED]

Diary #2

Dear Diary,

When I binged after days of missing meals, my mother only saw the amount of food I was eating, not the meaning behind it. "OK, that's enough," she'd say as she took away whatever I was scarfing down, making me feel not only embarrassed but even more inclined to starve myself.

I would shrink in on myself when she launched into the inevitable lecture about my health, hoping that if I concentrated hard enough, I could swallow myself whole. "You don't want to end up like your father," she'd laugh. I didn't. My dad was severely overweight, and comparing me to him only confirmed that I was disgusting.

It wasn't that I didn't know that I was eating too much. But when I binged, it was like a part of me had been sated. My stomach would ache, but for a while, I would no longer be sad. In a way, it was both a reward and a punishment-I starved myself, so I deserved to indulge a little, right? I'd earned it. Yet after the deed was done, I'd hate myself more and vow to starve even longer than the last time.

I began to see my 100-pound sister as less of a person, and more of an object of envy-something I could never be. How come she got to be the skinny one? The one boys fell all over themselves for? While I had my dinner taken away with looks of disdain, she ate freely, and my family actually praised her for it. They called her cute when she stuffed herself, but sneered at me if I did the same.

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Love yana