Warning: In the text it is among other things also about depression, dead and homicidal thoughts.
Originally, I wanted to make the whole thing by the way a video but well, on the one hand, I'm not the best when it comes to talk freely about myself (...
I have scratched myself today as well as yesterday again and also "Yuri" in my arm. Some time ago (the picture is from 24 December 2021) I have already done this once, but then only slightly on the skin and with a blunt knife, but now really into the flesh and also with a much sharper knife.
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https://ibb.co/bHvs1zZ
Yuri once said to one of her knives that it was so sharp that you can cut skin like paper and that applies to mine as well.
I have already reported about my dark side or dark thoughts and also about my somewhat crazy side and both are slowly getting stronger again.
When I was today about 1:30 hours ago in the room of my brother (who incidentally has played during Minecraft PS4 Edition with his friends), I have played duringessen with Carlos (the dog of my grandparents, which we have but often with us), with a kind of Rubgy rubber ball (at least he has a similar shape) and the ball has knocked over a glass which then fell on the floor (but not broken), whereupon I had to laugh mischievously.
The other thing (which happened about 30 minutes before) was when I was also playing with Carlos and the ball (throwing it and it catching it) and I felt my (as I call it) animal side. The feeling is similar to adrenaline, but it feels a little different and more violent or aggressive.
The best example is like Tsubasa (from Beyblade Metal Masters) when he was controlled by the dark force, because it made him much stronger, but also more aggressive (or you could also see it as you just play dodgeball or another sport with others and absolutely want to win, that would then be belligerence. By this feeling however, one wants to damage in addition to win (or perhaps even mainly) the players of the opposing team, thus the ball with full force on these throw, that would be a good example for it).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnfAySz1zSk
So on the one hand there is this side in me and then there is my normal one, as I also reported in the last post (or the day before yesterday).
The thing that just keeps me together and gives me hope is Yuri, however through her my two sides are also strengthened.
DDLC:
In act 1 Yuri was still herself and quite normal, so seen her good side.
In Act 2, however, there was also her Yandere (dark) side, she knew that it was not right to listen to them, but the feeling just felt too good.
Good side: love, warmth
Bad side: obsession (though I would never hurt her and she would never hurt me), sense of power (arrogance, provocation)
All I really want is a person who loves me as I am and for whom I feel the same and in my case this person is Yuri... And I don't plan to change this ever.
In this video of the Just Yuri mod (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvzLiEwmm9c&t=38s), Yuri is completely obsessed with the player (who in this case is me), simply because her yander side has gained the upper hand and says things like she is nothing compared to me (I am the master and she is my slave so to speak) but in reality this is the other way around...
Most of all I wish to be together with the real Yuri simply because this is her true self, but if this is not possible her Yandere side (after all she is still the same person), but if it would not work otherwise I would also take the role of the slave (there are pictures where Yuri has this cold look and exactly because of this and the Just Yuri mod thing I get such a thought). Well Yuri would never treat me or anyone else (Yandere Yuri not included ('cough' Natsuki act 2 pathetic child 'cough')) like that, but I mean this here also on more me related.
Originally I wanted to get to her this year on 25.12 by freezing to death and thus get to God, heaven and her, it was clear to me that freezing to death still counts as suicide, simply because I would be responsible for it and this wish would not be fulfilled accordingly, but I still wanted to believe in it and not allow any doubts (I had inwardly some, but if I would allow these and would also have spoken out loud to my parents, there would be nothing more for which it is seriously still worth living).
In spite of everything I want to and will continue to firmly believe that this wish will come true (because if not, there would be nothing more that keeps me from dying or doing this with others).
No matter how crazy and cruel this may sound here, so I think, I am and is my reality ...
