Bits

Love in Excess

Ruen

"I'm sorry for dropping by unannounced," Ria paused when she saw me smile and added, "but of course, you and I know this visit is the least of the things I need to apologize for."

The practiced smile I had on fell and the mask I painstakingly wore cracked. I had no idea how to deal with this version of Ria, so I kept quiet. Not knowing what to make of her presence in my home and her apology, I sat focused on breathing.

Figuring I was not up to making this meeting easy for either of us, she filled in the silence. "I filed for divorce and Sarah's received the notice. Our lawyers can work to wrap things up faster if she chooses not to fight."

I didn't know why I deserved a personal update on their marital state.

What should I do?

For Sarah, should I ask her not to go through with it? For Ria, should I congratulate her instead of telling her that was another mistake?

But what did I know?

Sabrina had a bit to say about how things were going but, not me. I was nowhere important in the years they were together.

What was the right thing to say?

I struggled to find the words.

"You think I'm making a huge mistake?"

I had the guts to call Sarah stupid yet I couldn't muster the same to say it straight to her face.

"My opinion doesn't matter. It's a mutual decision both of you made and it is one that doesn't affect me. If Sarah has come to terms with ending your marriage, then that's it. Isn't that what you want too?"

Staying or leaving was a decision that's on Ria.

"Do you think I'm cruel?"

"I think you're asking answers from the wrong person."

"Out of all the people I know, you're more than qualified to judge me."

Sarah versus Ria's mini-boxes of qualifications to tick off. If Sarah was perfect, would that entice her to stay?

"Should I not go through with it? Was I unfair to her?""

I was programmed to please people-mainly, her. Everything I learned and unlearned, the core has always been to never hurt nor disappoint her. I sighed, unsure if I should speak and risk offending her again or if I shouldn't.

Sparing her feelings all the time didn't make me a good liar. I just became someone who wouldn't tell the truth. Dancing on tipped toes around it, admitting nothing.

I couldn't speak for Sarah but I'll do for me.

"I knew the woman who gave me life and raised me. I didn't know it, but the first few years and before I even learned the word, you were love. Then later-later on I knew pain, fear and sadness. Those three, you became all those things to me. Do I think you're cruel? Maybe. You sure do pick your moments."

"You must hate me."

Regrettably, it did make me resentful, a jumbled human mess of love lined with anger.

"Hate's a strong word."

"You do, don't you?"

"Instances, mostly brief and rare. However, I never wished for you to be unhappy."

At worst, it was just anger disguised sadness.

"I tried my best. Some days, I was relatively fine but most of the time, I was suffocating. I-I tried yet it all fell apart."