Don't Kill Me: Eminem Love Story

Chapter 6: Mysteries

Days passed by. I have been out of the hospital for almost a week now.

I have been in a daze since I stepped foot out of the medical center. I was not fully aware of what had happened that dreadful night that Shaun and Demario died, yet the trauma of it lingered.

The last glimpse of Deshaun that I recall, was him standing by my bed as my brain processed the fact that he murdered them. Then I fell into a state of dreaming that I still couldn't explain.

The "dream state", as I liked to call it started a while ago. Almost right after I ran away from my parents' house. However, then, it wasn't anything definite.

Random, terrifying images would pop up in my head and I'd lose consciousness. I would never remember them. once I woke up, yet the dreadful feeling stayed with me all day long.

The "dream state" never used happened when I was out in public though. It used to always sneak up on me when I was at home, either laying on my bed or snuggling on my couch.

I hated the phenomenon that possessed me and I had never quite known what it meant.

I loathed the fact that disturbing pictures and sounds appeared in my mind when I was least expecting them. I would then lose sense of all reality and fall into a state of lucid dreaming.

I couldn't stand not being in control of my reality, and often I had wondered if I was going crazy. I wouldn't have been surprised if I did go insane though, after everything I had gone through. The abuse, the neglect, the insecurities brought on me by my own parents. Yet I still couldn't understand where all of these terrible flashbacks were coming from.

I had visited a psychiatrist almost a year ago. Instead of bringing me closure, or even giving me answers to understand what was happening to me, he told me he was lost.

Dr. Johansen told me that my flashbacks have had to somehow tie back to my past and are just my own interpretations of the pain I endured as a child.

I understood that aspect well enough, yet it still didn't explain why I'd lose consciousness and fall into a hallucinogenic state of mind. A state of mind that would make me travel through horrific events that I had no recollection of.

After visiting Dr. Johansen, I gave up on seeking any sort of medical help. Partly because I felt like most doctors were incompetent, but mainly because I sensed that I was broken beyond any repair.

Something had changed in the way brain was working though. As soon as I saw the lifeless bodies of Shawn and Demario, something had snapped and I felt like my sanity had left me for good.

That was the first time I had a vivid image of a dead body wrapped in black plastic in an empty house, placed right next to me. This "dream state" episode had been the most realistic one I'd experienced and it terrified me. Then it happened again in the hospital.

For days after, I tried to keep my mind distracted. Instead of dealing with a sudden influx of unexplained memories flooding in, I tried my best to keep myself as occupied as I could. I took on a volunteering gig, where I would project all my negativity into pounding and smashing the shit out of the dough provided, at a local bakery.

The bakery was known for its contribution to the local neighborhoods surrounding Cabrini Green. It would feed and nurture the less fortunate... AKA. Drug addicts, unemployed and the worthless.

For hours, I would stand there, slapping the living yeast out of the dough in front of me. I knew that this dough would eventually transform into a pastry or a bagel of sorts, that would descend into a mouth of yet another drug addict that probably associated with Shawn, Demario, and Deshaun.

To my own shame, I wasn't doing this damned community service to ease the pain of those less fortunate. I did this to relieve my own built up anger and fear that had gradually built up inside over the past few days.

I have come so far. I have made progress in my life. I have written amazing lyrics that could have been legendary. I dealt with the abuse I've endured as I was growing up. I was calm. Yet now, it all came flooding back into my brain as if I never even left my "home".

I was angry. I was furious. I was terrified. I have come so close to stability over the past few years, that I've started to almost forget the dread I'd experienced while living at home. Yet now, now I was beginning to feel like the vulnerable, helpless little girl I was when I would submit to my parents' needs and wants.



I have yet again, lost myself. The most troubling thought of all was if I would even gain back my very well deserved strength that I had left behind the night Shawn and Demario were murdered.

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As days passed by, I have finally started to adjust to my regular life yet again. Mornings were still rough, as I would wake up covered in cold sweat after a night full of nightmares. However, days have progressed to become calmer, more normal and somewhat comforting in a sense. I helped my customers at the store I worked at, and indulged in their happy existence. I watched the happy families stroll through the mall, unphased by ugliness lurking through the streets of Chicago.

I haven't heard from Deshaun since that day at the hospital, where he brought on the dreadful realization of him being a cold blooded murderer. Things were looking up. I was hoping that since he took care of the "prey" he's been hating on at Cabrini Green, that he would go away. Which he did or so it seemed like