The Journey of a 14 year old

Tuesday October 4, 2022

1:35

Wilbur looked at me like I was stupid or something after that. It made me uncomfortable and anxious. People keep calling Dream ugly or just being plain rude. It makes me really annoyed. I think he's really pretty. People may question who I find attractive but I don't care. Allison called me retarded for wearing cosplay at the park and then she called me an elf. It made me quite anxious.

4:23 pm

I don't know what to do about Elli and Wilbur. I love them both dearly but I think I'm afraid of commitment. I rushed into things and now I don't know what to do. I thought that I would finally stop being lonely, which in case, I did. A little bit. But now I feel anxious whenever I think of them and my anniversary with Will is on October 29. We would be dating for a year. I don't know what to tell them because if I break up with them it'll hurt all of us. I've become attached to them and I wouldn't be able to let go but I don't think I can live the rest of my life being anxious and depressed. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've considered myself Cupioromantic, which basically means you like the thought of romance but actually being in a relationship is a no go. I really want to be in a relationship but I don't think I have the mental capacity or commitment to be in one. I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I'm not sure if breaking up is the best thing to do in this situation. Maybe I should just take a break from both of them? Not exactly break up, just taking a break on romantic relationships right now and then afterwards, see if we are able to stay in a relationship. There's another problem. Every time I see Will or Elli, I picture someone else. Not really like an actual person but my dream guy. Maybe I'm straight and like girls. Maybe I'm just gay and Wilbur and Elli are just not the ones right now. Maybe I'm just Cupioromantic. Or maybe I'm just being stupid and I'm over complicating things. Whatever it may be I'm scared of what the outcome of all of this will all be. I've been thinking about talking about it in person with them but I'm too much of a coward. I could text but then I would risk my grammy finding out. Maybe I should just share this document with them or just Ash and maybe Ash and I can figure out what to do about all of this. 

8:45 pm

Maybe an open relationship would be good for me. Just asked Wilbur and he said he was okay with it. All I need to know is if Elli is okay with it. I love them so much :> Maybe it'll be able to help me with my commitment issues. I don't know how that correlates but It's fine.

12:40 pm

I still don't know if Elli is okay with an open relationship yet. If she does, maybe I could date other people and see how that goes. I don't know who I could start another relationship with. Definitely not Ash. They're out of the question. NO. Maybe Vinnie? I'll talk to Elli about it but to be honest it's going to be me asking Wilbur. Wilbur's okay with it. I know that.

2:38 pm

I'm kinda bored right now. I am currently in Advisory, 7th period. I might draw something. Me and Vinnie are kinda dating? It's not exactly established but like I said I am going to see if Elli is okay with it. Wilbur never got back to me about Elli's thoughts about it. I think I'm going to draw Clay, my green haired oc.