Automoton

the plunge, ii.

Johnson's, the local grocery store, accepts his application, and he starts on Monday morning at nine. Connor gets there a half hour early, and by the time the actual work starts, he's drunk three cups of coffee. They put him in charge of restocking, and he spends the day piling apples into a box and stacking tomato sauce into pyramids and wondering what everyone's doing with Annalise. He's never missed them this much. (He's never missed them at all.)

On the drive home, he turns on the radio, and cranks up the volume when Staying Alive comes on. He sings as loudly as he can, punctuating the words with a swig of beer, and he laughs at the irony when it ends.

                          —-

He receives a letter in the mail telling him he's been expelled from college for lack of attendance. Connor takes a handful of Xanax as he rips the letter into shreds and tries to convince himself it's a good thing.

                          —-

(He has nightmares about Sam, crawling out of a churning crimson ocean and whispering "murderer" in a raspy voice as he grabs for his ankles. Connor wakes with his hair plastered to his forehead with sweat, and lies awake in bed for three more hours, because it's too early to get up, and he can't bear going back to sleep.)

                          —-

He's working the register at work, scanning a can of corn for an older woman in his lane, when he hears his name. He looks up, and it's Michaela and Laurel, with another guy that looks about their age. Connor nods hello at them and can't help but wonder who the cute guy is. They grab their groceries and quickly switch to his lane, whispering amongst each other. Connor scans the last item for the lady, a loaf of wheat bread, and she hands him a wad of cash, telling him to keep the change. He smiles and wishes her a good rest of her night, and then Michaela and Laurel and the new guy are in his face and it's all he can do not to throw his arms around them and squeal like a little girl.

"Hey," he finally says.

Michaela lets out a sort of laugh and says "Hey" back. "This is James," she tells him as he scans their things (two loaves of bread, grape jam, a bag of pistachios, a huge bag of Doritos, and a six-pack of Dr. Peppers). "He's your replace—I mean, he's the new guy. Annalise hired him right after you... well."

She looks at him cautiously, judging for a reaction, but he just gives a noncommittal "Mmhmm," because if he talks, he'll start to yell. ("I'm that easy to replace?") They're all silent for a while, until Connor reaches for the next item: a jar of peanut butter. His throat tightens when he looks at it, and he swallows hard as he scans it. "We never used to get peanut butter," he says.

"Well, you were the only one allergic, so..." Laurel trails off, but the point is made. Connor bags the jar, and his voice is raspy when he asks them to scan their card.

They do, and leave shortly after exchanging insincere "It was great to see you"s and "Have a great night"s with him. Connor smiles and tells them it's okay, he's happy now, and they smile and say they believe him, but he knows they think he's lying.

(He is.)

(Nobody mentions the pills.)

                          —-

Oliver won't stop calling, but Connor puts his phone on silent so he doesn't have to listen to it. Then he starts to knock on the door, pound on it when there's no answer. He begs Connor, pleads with him to let him in, to please just let him help him, but Connor swallows pills until he falls asleep, and drowns out Oliver with music when the drugs run out. He goes away after a few hours, and Connor runs to restock his supply almost the moment he's gone. There was a time when Connor would open the door, but now he plugs his ears like a child and hopes Oliver goes away.

                          —-

Connor goes to Angels, the local gay bar, completely high, because that's the only way he can force himself to get through the sex. But he needs the money, and he needs the pills even more, so he kisses whoever wants him, and fucks them until they can't stand straight. He picks their pockets from their discarded pants and leaves before they realize he's gone.

(Oliver comes back later that night, and even though Connor takes the drugs, the guilt keeps him awake, and he sits with his back against the front door, crying quietly, and wanting nothing more than to open the door.)

                          —-

Oliver stops coming, and Connor is relieved.

(At least, that's what he tells himself.)