Ace of Hearts

The Truth Of Us

How do you tell someone you love them, knowing that your relationship will be doomed from the very beginning?

How do you tell them that they make your heart race, your mind spin, and your skin feel electrified, knowing that they might feel the same and you'd find yourself at a crossroads?

Nine years ago, Risa didn't know the answer to those questions so she shut everything out and saved herself from drowning. From falling completely into Leni, into the love she readily offered. Only for her to fail. And she failed quite miserably. Running only to crawl right back, pushing only to be pulled back in, until she was falling into this endless pit of cowardice and regret that she tried so hard to ignore.

But that was nine years ago.

Now, she knew how. Though circumstances were different this time around. No longer did their relationship seem to be a room without entrances or exits, no longer did it have to be kept behind closed doors, shushed until it was too repressed, kept a secret because it would be chaos if anyone ever found out.

Things were different. They did things right this time, didn't they? Went out on dates, asked the proper questions, talked about their personal issues instead of bottling it up.

"Hello," Risa said shyly, tapping the microphone to test its audio.

"Before anything else, I'd like to thank all of you for being here. Leni and I appreciate your presence more than we can ever say. To my kids, well...to our kids...thank you. Sobrang na-surprise niyo kami ni Leni, especially since hindi pa naman matagal since nagsabi kami sa inyo. We've talked about getting married a few times already pero not so soon. So I have to thank you for sparing us the stress of planning and proposals and all that."

The crowd laughed at Risa's joke.

"And since surprise nga, I don't have a speech or even vows ready. But since it's not everyday I get to marry the woman I love, better make it count kahit impromptu lang..."

She turned around and faced Leni, who was watching her with an amused look on her face and an affectionate glint in her eyes. "My love," she grinned, taking in her now-wife's wedding look. "You look beautiful..."

How do you tell someone you love them knowing that your relationship will be doomed from the very beginning?

She knew the answer now. As she stood before her wife, clad in white, looking like the most enchanting person she'd ever seen, her answer was this:

You say it. You tell them, you let them hear the words leave your mouth. You say it until your own voice feels so foreign to you as if it's not your own. You keep saying it until you decide it's no longer enough that you say it. Say it like it's a prayer, or a song, stuck in your mind for the longest time that you say it more than you say your name. You say it, louder and louder each time until the world hears you...

Or quieter and quieter until your voice is barely above a whisper because your whole world is laying next to you and nothing else matters but the sound of her heart beating against yours.

"9 years ago, I recited Sonnet 116 at an art gallery with you, " the senator began, tears forming in her eyes even when she just barely started. "The exact words you said were: True love remains steady throughout a lifetime, no matter the challenges the lovers might undergo."

They locked eyes, one pair tearful, the other with the same sparkle it held when in front of her lover. Risa's breath hitched in her throat and she inhaled deeply, calming the thousand nerve-wrecking emotions she was feeling all at once.

"Sonnet 116 is about the constancy of love. I suppose it fully encapsulates us. I had you, then I had to lose you. And then I had you again, but we both decided to part ways. Before we did though, sabi mo sa'kin, kumpletuhin ko muna 'yung sarili ko bago ako bumalik sa'yo. Then, maybe, we can finally get the chance to love. A chance to do what we've always wanted...

...And we did."

How do you tell someone that they make your heart race, your mind spin, and your skin feel electrified knowing that they might feel the same and you'd find yourselves at a crossroads?

You say it. You say it the same way that you told her you love her even when the inevitable starts to creep in. You say it in the same manner that you say her name. Sometimes in fondness and affection, when warmth spreads through your chest because she makes you so happy that you love life all the more, and sometimes in despair, when there's nothing more to living than just breathing and hurting.

Risa smiled, approaching the loveseat and holding out her hand for her wife to hold.

"My feelings for you, and yours for me, had to be kept silent, hidden, or suppressed because no one can know. Or else you and I would be facing a lot more hell than we already were. We had to hide it, hindi lang sa ibang tao, pero kahit sa mga sarili natin, so we won't make the same mistakes again. But even when I did all that, the love was still there."

She ran her thumb on the back of Leni's hand, a tear escaping her eye. Leni squeezed her hand to comfort her and she assured her with a gentle smile.

How do you say these things, you ask? She might not have known the answer years ago, but now she did. And the answer was simple.

You say it. You say it because it's the truth. It might hurt you more than you're already hurting, or it might lift your spirits because finally, you get a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel. Either way, you say it.

You say it with anger or bitter acceptance, with desperation or panic, but always with love. Because that's the truth. Your truth.

"Our love would always be there. Even when we hated each other, when we pretended nothing was wrong between us pero ang totoo, everything was going wrong...even when we were faced with the hardest of things, lalo na ako personally. Our love was there. Your love was there. I am forever grateful na hinayaan mo akong mahalin ka, patago man o hindi, buo man o hindi. We've gone through hundreds of challenges, both together and apart. And now, look at where I am — I'm married to you."

You speak your truth. Proudly. With everyone dear to you hearing the words carefully slip through your tongue and make its mark on everyone's heart.

That was the answer, had been the answer, will always be the answer. Then and now, now and always.

Risa had her mind and her heart set on speaking her truth even before she got on that plane to Boston. Her truth — their truth — she had to say it. She had to let Leni know.

"Sobrang swerte ko naman na nabigyan ako ulit ng chance na makasama ka."

Risa caressed her now-wife's cheek with the back of her hand. Leni leaned into her touch, the heat radiating from Risa's hand making her more and more emotional.

"We may have started out as a mistake, an impulsive decision that led to more mistakes, and this may sound selfish and insensitive to others, but you know I mean it from the bottom of my heart...Leni, my love, I'm glad I made that mistake with you."

Once again, Risa faced the audience and smiled brightly, her heart feeling like it's about to burst in her chest.

"Matagal na akong pinangungunahan ng takot at kaba sa kung ano mang sasabihin ng iba tungkol sa'min. What they'd say when they find out I love her, when they find out we've been sharing this secret with each other for the longest time. Pero ngayon, that I finally got this second chance with Leni — marry her, even — it is with my whole heart, mind, body, and soul that I tell you: I love Leni. I've loved her all this time."

You say it. Without hesitation, without fear of what was to come. Risa faced her wife and said it, heeding her own advice, declaring it for the whole world to hear.

"Mahal kita, Leni. Mahal na mahal na mahal."

She thanked the audience once again, ending her speech with jubilant tears streaming down her cheeks. Leni welcomed her back to the loveseat with a hug and words of both gratitude and love. "I love you, misis ko," she whispered in Risa's ear, making her giggle at the use of their endearment.

You've said your truth. That which tied you down, that which anchored the rest of your decisions.

Then you say it again, quieter the next time around.

Risa heeded her own advice again and whispered it right back, declaring it for her whole world to hear.

"I love you too, wifey."