Stuck again between reality and my lack of interest, I must like it here because this is where I always find myself when I look at my life. No money, no gas, no girlfriend, no interest. I've got two speeding tickets I gotta pay and tragic things happening all around me. The worse part is I still don't care enough to learn my lesson. I always find my way out somehow. Always had good parents looking out for me, pulling me out of the holes I always dig myself into. I don't mean to get myself into these situations but sometimes its almost like a sub-conscience hobby of mine. I don't mean to trouble my parents with my carelessness, I just want to move on with my life. Nothing changes in Newburgh its just a shit hole with good people inside it. The good die young here and the pure are tainted. Its really a shame honestly, I like the place, but its just not a place to live I guess. If I could I would move to Florida, most of my family lives down there and its so warm. I can't stand the winter cold. It sends chills down my spine, chills I have felt from other things that I don't want to remember. It would be nice to sleep in a warm bed so you don't have to wish there was someone next to you to keep you warm. The warmth would probably help my mind rest too.
Every night is a late night for me lately. Even if I had the money I don't know if I would be able to leave my friends. I love my friends and I want to take care of them, but I can't do that if I leave. I love my family too, but I have live with them my whole life and I think it would be nice to move away. Maybe I could finally learn how to live alone if I left. There are three things I have lived for in my life they are friends, family, and girlfriends. If I lost these three elements I would surely not survive, at least not as of right now. I do fear death, but its life that scares me to death. I'm sure others can relate. I know a lot of people in Newburgh that are in tougher times then me thats why I try not to waste time on myself and help them. I try to be a good person. Sometimes though, I can't help but think of my problems, this is why I write. Writing is my escape from this harsh reality. Its quite simple actually, You vent your feelings on a piece of paper and they slowly drain from your head. If I do a good job writing out my feelings my mind can get quite creative. A creative mind is like a golden apple, its something you wanna hold on to.
Money has never been a big issue for me, I'm still young I don't give a shit. Its very ironic actually, many people say I am the mature one of my friends yet I waste my money on gas and cigarettes that I don't need. See it all runs in a circle, I'm depressed so I waste my money, I have no money so I get stuck, then I find my way out only to realize that my life is worse then when I was first depressed. I could make a million jokes on my life, but thats because I am not really living. I don't know how to live and I honestly don't know if I want to. Do I think suicidal thoughts when I am depressed, well kinda, but I would never end my life by my own hand. I have too much pride for suicide, and I still want to live just not in this part of my life. I want to get out of college, get a real job, and put my life into my own hands. If I do that I have a feeling I could start caring a little more. I know it sounds like something everyone my age would say, but if my life is not in my hands then its not my life is it? See I think different, theres reality and then theres my reality that I forged my self with countless hours of thinking about nothing.
I question myself all the time. Whether it be logic, philosophy, or whatever I always find a way to twist it by simply keeping it in my mind for days and processing it. I've always wondered if your green is my green? I mean how could I know what green looks like to you? Your green could be my purple and we would never know because your you, and I'm me. That was an example of course, I'm sure science has an answer, but I like to create my own thesis on these things. Its a way to work your mind, a weird way. I confuse a lot of people with these thoughts, its not easy to read me. I have been read to a point of course, just never fully. I guess writing is my way of saying “Hey world! This is who I am. Now tell me what I am!” otherwise I am sealed pretty shut. The mind is a powerful tool so make sure you can control it. I have had times where my train of thought collided with my common sense; huge mess, good men lost. I also have had times where I believed dreams were reality, which is a headache if you ask me. These things are ok, but whatever you do don't let your mind have a voice, because then you are losing your sanity. Yes, yes, I've had it happen to me, but luckily my parents provide me with the tools I needed to get rid of it. When your mind has a voice, you need to stop thinking and get back to life my friends. A conscience is ok, but a voice is no good.
I think the hardest thing for me to comprehend as of right now is love. Its a very confusing emotion. Love can change you complete, sometimes without you noticing. My perception on love is that it is a drug and when its taken from you all your darkest thoughts and feelings are revealed. Suffering from love withdraw is no joke either. At night its hard to sleep, because you know shes gonna be in your dreams. The day consist of endless thoughts of her, and scenarios on replay in your head. Worst of all is the emptiness. Its like a fever, something you can't sweat out. When the emptiness hits you its like being stabbed in the chest every second until it goes away. Personally I think its a fate worse then death. Then again I wouldn't know what death is like, I'll have to ask my friends dad when he gets out of that coma. Sorry that was a sick joke, I love his father and I hope he pulls through alright. I'd imagine death would at first be interesting. The experience of no longer existing, at least not in the physical world, is another thing I just can't comprehend. If I didn't exist I wounder who would of took my place. Would he have been better to her? Even if he was he could never love her like I do. Love is killing me and the only cure is love. Thats an example of why I love irony. Without irony things would bad things would be so much more morbid.
She was a morbid person, always thinking of the worse and never asking for the best. She was like that when I found her, my love for helping others gave birth to the love I still have for her. She would tell me all the things wrong with her life, but never accepted any help I offered. She was a lot like me so caught up in her losses, she no longer wanted to gain. I am just happy she accepted me into her life. It really is a shame, I wanted to help her so bad, but I couldn't. Sometimes I think thats one of the reasons she left me, I really wasn't good enough. Our relationship turned into irony itself. She was in need and I tried to help her, but I couldn't. Finally it came to a point where I was in need of help and she left me. Irony can be harsh too I guess. Why do I still love her? I have no clue. I would say its because she was my first true love, first I had sex with, first I made love with, and first to break my heart like that. Funny, if she wanted me back, I would probably say yes, even though she would take my friends away.
How can I have all these emotions in me and yet not care? I have no clue. I just don't want to be in my life right now, my mind is so much safer. I am a coward, don't be like me. Theres no excuse for it, I just like to hide from my problems and help others with theirs. On the other end theres the me that I created for everyone else, a loving, caring, good hearted Andrew I based on the one I used to be. I've lost my innocence on the inside, but no one needs to know. You tell me who I am and thats who I am because thats who I am. I am not a fake person, I am just a copycat with good intentions, so please spare me for my wrongs, my sins, and any other crap; I am here to help.
