Loved You First (Jenlisa) COMPLETED

28

Life is kind of like a Ferris wheel. That's the conclusion Jennie came to from the bench just a few feet away from the terrifying contraption. In fact, she'd been studying the thing for over an hour, trying to work up enough courage to buy a ticket. As she watched each car make the climb to the tip-top only to descend to the ground from which it came, she came to an understanding.

In life, like a Ferris wheel, you start your journey just as others are completing theirs. There was something very poetic about that and the parallel eased her fears, if only a tad. And this week had been about tackling old fears.

Part three of her plan involved facing what she found most terrifying in life. She'd made a habit of backing down from all that scared her, and it was time she put an end to that tendency. Riding this Ferris wheel wasn't necessarily something she wanted to do, but something she had to do.

So she'd made some calls and tracked down the closest Ferris wheel she could find and made the two-hour drive after closing time. From where she was now, it was only another hour to Seoul, her next stop. And if she could just convince herself to get on the stupid ride, she might get there before the cows came home.

It was a process.

"Last call for the big wheel," the ride operator called out. "Last call!"

The amusement park closed at seven on weekdays. She'd known that going in. She'd just been dragging her feet, the fear crippling her.

Her stomach flip-flopped and her mind raced, but she forced herself to her feet. If she wanted to live life without regrets, she had to learn to be courageous. To go after what she wanted. This was training ground in front of her and she was ready. She wouldn't be held back by fear any longer.

"One ticket, please," she told the operator with confidence.

She counted out the dollar bills and exchanged them for a blue ticket stub that she gripped harder than was necessary as she settled herself into the swinging car.

That's when it hit.

What the hell was she thinking? She couldn't do this. It had been a nice thought. Really. A brave overture on her part, and who didn't want to be brave? But yeah, no, this wasn't going to happen. The panic attack was in full force, and she struggled to catch her breath. The air around her felt unusually warm and she tugged at the collar of her shirt. She had to get off this thing. Now. She opened her mouth to signal the ride attendant, but her voice simply wasn't there. She gripped the bar in front of her in terror as her car rose higher and higher a little bit at a time as each new passenger boarded the ride.

This was bad. This was really bad.

She forced herself to breathe. Seven seconds in. Five seconds out. It wasn't long before her car eased to the top of the wheel and paused there. As a coping mechanism, instead of focusing on how far she was from the ground, she raised her face skyward and watched the stars.

And whoa. There it was, right in front of her. Clear as day.

Her eyes trained on a grouping of stars that, if she wasn't crazy, seemed to be concentrated in the shape of the number eight. She laughed out loud, tears and all. It was a sign if she had ever seen one. It meant she was doing exactly what she was supposed to be doing in this moment. She nodded her head and accepted the challenge in front of her just as the wheel began to circle.

On the first go-round, she clung to the bar for dear life, barely sneaking a look at the world as it passed. She would just wait this thing out and get out of there.

But on the second go-round, her hands loosened their grip and her breathing returned to semi-normal. That was something. The ride moved a bit too fast for her liking and it made her stomach drop in that way she couldn't stand, but she was managing. Score one for her. Then something miraculous happened. As the wheel continued to circle, she began to enjoy the sensation. The wind in her hair was refreshing and the panic shifted into some sort of welcome exhilaration. She let go of the bar and sat back in her seat, taking in the panoramic view, the ever-changing neon lights of the park, and the night all around her. Music played from the speaker in her car and her spirits soared in victory.