Weird and Weirder

CH23. Josh's POV - Sad Day

Chapter 23 – Josh's POV

Sad Day

This hasn't been my best week.

I'm sad to admit that Jayden's letter fucked me up a lot more than I would have wanted. I felt like a ghost all week, walking around, thinking about everything that was or could have been.

I thought that after all these years, I would have moved on a bit more than this. But I never really let myself feel these things. I let myself grieve my best friend, but I never let myself grieve my first and only love.

I had tried to let go of most of Jayden, but that part, that little part was still hidden in a corner of my heart, and I wasn't letting go.

And in turn, hurting myself.

Sometimes I really wish I was a bit more toxic and dealt with my problems in extreme way so I could get out of my head for a while, and not just space out in my kitchen, trying to get my cat's attention, basically using her as my emotional support animal.

I hate how easily Jayden was able to unravel me with basically two sentences. He would have been damn proud of himself for that honestly.

I hate how much he still had so much power over me.

I hate how I still love him so damn much.

I hate the fact that I can still remember his face so clearly, but I don't know what he would have looked like now. I still see the young Jayden. I never got to see older Jayden. And I hate it. I hate it so much.

Blake once told me I could just look in the mirror if I wanted to know how his brother would look like older.

The thing is, everyone is wrong. We didn't look like each other.

We might have had the same mischief in our eyes, but Jayden smile was always different from mine. More caring somehow. Every little detail about his face was different. I'd studied it so many times when we used to be together, sitting in front of him.

We looked so different.

Yet, people always said we were similar. Maybe it was because I always reflected his face. He was all I had on my mind all the time. It made sense to reflect that face to others.

Why did it have to hurt so much to think about this, to think about him? Hadn't it been long enough since his death? Shouldn't I have moved on after all this time?

I'm tired of going over the same things in my head over and over again, so I get up and got out and drove to Todd's place.

I knock on his door and when he opens it, greet him with a "Honey I'm home," opening my arms wide like I was waiting for a hug.

Todd just rolls his eyes and leaves the door open, going back in.

"What? Not even a gentle greeting?" I ask, following him to the kitchen.

"You know this. I've learned over the years not to humor your insanity."

"How is my love for you insanity?" I ask, pressing a hand to my chest.

"Have you eaten? Did you want mac and cheese?" Todd just says, completely ignoring my joking around.

"I would love to eat your mac and cheese," I reply with a smirk.

"Keep making it sound dirty and you won't have anything to eat."

I raise my hands in surrender. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'll behave. Please feed me, daddy," I say in a high-pitched voice.

Todd throws his head back, making a pained whining sound. "Jesus fucking Christ."

I smoosh my lips at him and then grin, feeling a little happier.

Being the idiot in the room always helps to elevate my mood.

"So, what is it today?" Todd asks, handing me a bowl filled with mac and cheese goodness.

"I've been dreaming of Maddox every night," I say and then shout dramatically, "I YEARN FOR HIM."

Todd flips me off. "Leave my brother alone."

"How can I? How can I stop YEARNING for such soft skin?" I whine, my hands pressed together in a plea.

"Fucking easy. Stop touching his skin you creepo," he says while I shove food in my mouth.

Mmm, delicious. Todd makes a mean mac and cheese.

"But I know. I just knoooow how soft it is. There is no forgetting that Todd!"

"Just eat your fucking mac and cheese."

I grin at him, satisfied with how much I have just annoyed him and eat in silence.

This is good. This is fine. I can go on with my life normally. I can have the same stupid conversations again. I can do it. I've been doing it for years now, so a couple of sentences on a letter should not matter.

It should not matter that maybe what I had thought was just an unrequited crush might have been reciprocated. And that now I will never know. I will never have my answer.

I can live with that.

"Alright, fine, okay, I give in. If my brother wants to make out with you, I'll allow it. I'll stop threatening the both of you. Happy now?" Todd suddenly says.

I look up a little surprised. Something must have shown on my face for him to say this.

I take advantage of it. "Devastated actually. Maddox's only appeal is really the fact that you forbid our relationship."

Todd glares at me. "You're on my shit list now Josh."

"Shit list? Is that a kink thing babe?" I reply automatically.

"What's up with you today?" Todd asks, his head tilted a little like he is studying me.

I shrug. Everything. "Nothing."

"It's not the weird girl this time, it's something else," he says. It isn't a question. It is like he knows somehow.

How could he know?

I shrug again. "It's nothing," I just say and eat more food.

Todd's eyes narrow. "Wait? Is it Jayden's death anniversary soon?"

I frown. "Not for a few more weeks. Why?"

Like I really need to talk about this now.

I kinda hate the fact that Todd knows this though. I had thought this was a safe place. It is why I had come here and not to see Blake. There is no trace of Jayden here.

But apparently nowhere is safe from him and my feelings.

"You're always in a certain mood when that time come around. Hmm..." Todd says and is kind of studying me openly now.

I feel very self-conscious. "What?"

"You're here to talk about it."

"I'm absolutely not here to talk about anything. I'm here to beg for food and to potentially play hanky-panky with Maddox."

He smiles at me. It's not smug, but it still annoys me. "I thought Maddox had lost his appeal."

I roll my eyes. "Most of it, but like, not all of it."

Todd sighs. "You know you can talk about genuine things with me, right? You don't have to downplay whatever it is you're going through right now."

"I never downplay my lust."

He shakes his head. "Alright, keep avoiding it. It's fine. I'm here if you want to talk," he says dropping the matter. Yay. I won.

The thing is I don't actually want to talk with anyone.

Well, that isn't exactly true.

There is one person I want to talk with. But he's dead. So, it's never going to happen.

So, I suck it up and keep on deflecting.

I know this is the only way I've been able to survive through the grief so far.