Diary of a Sleep-Deprived Uni Student

Friends and Faith

I love to play badminton. 

Regardless of how busy the week is, I try to play at school at least once. I might as well considering how expensive those school fees are for the athletic center. I'd like to think that I'm getting my money's worth. 

Badminton for me is a way for me to temporarily separate myself from the reality that is my academic life: readings, lectures, assignments, the impending exams that seem to be coming faster than I can anticipate, and of course, the occasional (but sometimes more often than I'd admit) feeling of an overwhelming sense of loneliness and restlessness. Sometimes, I think badminton acts like a drug for me, though it is simply a form of exercise. 

The other day, I was experiencing the not-so-rare feeling of loneliness and the intrusive thoughts that I don't have friends, or that I haven't tried hard enough to socialize and meet new people and make new friends, thus the loneliness is only a result of my own incompetence. I know this isn't true, but I can't help feel that way sometimes. 

In my loneliness, I thought about how many people I have met in my time at university. Some were those I recognize only by face, others I know a name but I'm sure they don't know mine. Some people I had met in my first year and I have yet to speak another word to them, or I see them very occasionally and I panic at the thought of making "small-talk" with them. 

Then there are the friends (yes, I did use the word friends) who I have tried to keep in contact with over the last few years, which have been more difficult than I would've thought because of a pandemic that cut my first year short. In short, my university experience has felt in some way stunted in its growth and time, especially when I see myself in my fourth year and I still haven't had a full school year on campus. 

Finally, there is a group of acquaintances, but people I would love to become closer to and become friends with, but what I also noticed in first year is how much harder it is to identify friends from people you simply know. It isn't like when we were younger and you would ask someone to be your friend, because now, that just seems like an awkward conversation I could never bring myself to have (unless y'all never did that as kids and I'm the odd one out?). The definition of a friend for me is one that is still developing and changing as I see people enter and exit my life. 

And so, when I call someone a 'friend', I try to be certain about what that means for me. Is this person a classmate (situational friend?), acquaintance, or truly a friend? Previous experiences makes me afraid to call someone a friend because sometimes the people you think are your friends will disappear and you're left with a feeling of "what did I do?" or "what happened?". 

Yes, I have struggled with these questions before university, and yes, it feels like there is, to a certain degree, trauma. I don't want to dismiss the fact maybe I was on the other side of an interaction like that and I have left someone feeling the same way. And for that, I am sorry. If it hasn't been obvious, I am trying to be better than I was before and despite its challenges, university has shown me that I have grown in ways I would never have expected.

But I digress (I've always like this phrase), because all of what I've just said is meant to set the stage for this particular story which I thought was interesting in my understanding of friendship and faith. At the center of it, the string tying them together is badminton. 

The other day, I messaged someone that I had met in my first year. Now, based on what I said before about my first year of uni, you should understand that I was hesitant to call this person a friend because of my experiences. Last year, there were a few limited interactions with her as we played badminton together. I remember that it was "post-Covid" and I had been wearing a mask, but she had recognized me waiting in line to enter our athletics center (ARC). Keep in mind that I don't think we had interacted anytime from first year to that moment. I remember thinking that she has really good memory and wow, how did she recognize me with a mask, too?

Anyway, I messaged her because I knew she loved badminton and she was really good at it too. By the way, there is a badminton group chat that I have with people in my campus Christian fellowship, but literally if you scroll up it, I'm one of the few who ever says anything. I can only imagine what other people in the chat think of me... 

I reiterate that I love badminton. It is the only sport I can play "well" (in other words, above average, if I do say so myself). I will play badminton with literally anyone because it is not a sport you can practice or play alone. However, I'll admit that because I love it so much, I do want to get better at it, and to do that, I should play people who are better than me. 

So I messaged this person (who, to make it easier and to not name her, I will call "Miranda"), not only because I wanted to play someone who was better than me (it is very easy for me to admit that she is better because she most definitely is), but because I knew her from before, played her before, and had a handful of interactions that made me think she is easy to talk to.

I was excited when Miranda said she could come play, but at the same time, anxious because you know how it is when you're with someone one-on-one: trying to think of enough questions to keep a conversation going so that it isn't obvious your awkward around people (that's not just me, right?). 

Basically, we played together with some other people and it was really fun. I aspire to be as good as Miranda at badminton. I always wonder if people who are better than me get bored or annoyed when I mess up, but she always gives me encouragement or indulges me when I fail to return the birdie. 

What I found most profound about playing with her was at the end when she told me that the day before, when I messaged her, she had been going through a rough day. Then she had received my message and it made her feel like she had something to look forward to. She told me that playing badminton had made her feel better. 

In the moment, I couldn't help think that God must have placed Miranda's name on my heart the day before when I was wondering who to message. I think us meeting to play badminton really helped us both and the timing was perfect, especially regarding what we were both going through. 

The feeling I had when she told me about this made me think about what a blessing it is to have the people in my life. If not for badminton, it is unlikely that I would have reached out to her the way I did. I can more confidently call Miranda my friend now because we've met up a few more times to play badminton and I've talked to her casually on campus. 

The moral of the story is that can't be afraid to talk to new people because you never really know who might become your friend. And even though I've struggled with friendships before, this experience with Miranda has made me reflect on how I should trust in God more. He works in ways that I can't understand, but it is through the strength that He gives me that I can do the things I think I can't do, and for that, I am grateful.

Author's Note: I found it helpful to write this out, especially since it feels like I'm drowning a bit in school. It reminds me that there are good things in life that are praiseworthy and that there is a lot of room for growth. This is my reminder to be kind to myself and to know that I am in this transition as I go through university, so there will be troubles. However, I also know there is hope for the future whatever that might be. November 15, 2022.