Coming Undone

Longing

As Shelly, Lyla and I walked from the carpark to the stage we scanned the festival site as we always did, working out just how outnumbered us girls would be by the boys. Most of the time, us showing up together was the most interesting thing the straight guys had seen and within minutes some older guy was hitting on one of us. I hoped today would be different and I would have some respectful people working with me. As I looked towards where the lighting company were having a team meeting, I stopped in my tracks. Shelly looked at me, concerned, as I struggled to control my breathing. I always knew this day would come, the day where I saw him again but it never prepared me for how I would feel.

"What's wrong?" Lyla asked, putting a hand on my arm to show her concern.

I looked Shelly in the eyes and spoke one word, "Damien."

One word was all she needed to know exactly how I was feeling. I had met Damien when I was at university. We studied similar courses meaning we had a few modules in common throughout the 3 years and we had started as friends but drifted apart as our lives took different paths. This distance wasn't what hurt me though. What Damien had never known was that I was madly in love with him. From the first moment I met him, I knew he was someone I wanted in my life. I loved his naturally caring personality and how, no matter how drunk he was, he always sobered up instantly if there was a serious situation to take care of. I had told him once that I had a crush on him and he was surprised, but he made a joke about it and we never spoke of it again. It broke me. When we had left uni I thought, I'm probably never going to see him again, these feelings will fade once he's out of my life. Boy was I wrong. It had been almost 4 years since we graduated and I was still just as in love with him as I had been then. My heart ached every day for him and I never understood why I couldn't get over it, there was just something about him.

I took a deep breath and brought myself back to reality. I glanced over at Damien again. He still looked as handsome as ever. He must be what, 30 now? But he still looked the same as when I met him at 22. There was another guy with him and as I looked closer he seemed familiar too. When he turned in my direction, I took another shock to the nervous system. Nathan, the guy who broke my heart all those years ago.

"I can't do this," I said to Shelly and Lyla, "I can't. Today was going to be hard enough with the anniversary of Josh and now-"

"Lyla, go ahead, I got this," Shelly told her before turning to me and putting her hands on my shoulders, "Elena, you are going to be just fine. This right here, is your job and you have work to do. It doesn't matter who else is here, you are going to do your job because you are damn good at it. Okay?"

"Okay," I nodded.

"And if the anticipation is scaring you so much, go and talk to them," she suggested, "I know you, all the anxiety is in your head and once you go and talk to them you'll be just fine."

"I got this," I confirmed, "I am a strong, confident, independent woman and I can do this."

"Yes you can," Shelly agreed, "now let's go."

We continued towards the group of EVS crew behind the stage and started to introduce ourselves to the rest of our colleagues while I waited for the opportunity to approach the boys. I was the head of the sound department for EVS so after the initial introductions, we all split off into our respective departments and I took my crew to unload the sound truck, out of sight of Damien and Nathan. I spent the next hour telling incompetent crew what to do and sorting out annoying little problems that the production team should have sorted before we even got there. On top of that, an entire truckload of equipment was running late and we were told we'd have no power until 2pm. The workload should have kept my mind off of Damien but I couldn't help feeling anxious about our first conversation. I was worried he would unexpectedly approach me before I had a chance to prepare myself, but part of me thought it would make it easier. At least then it would be over quicker. Once the truck was empty and all the kit was finally in the right area, I called for a short tea and coffee break and, to my surprise, I noticed the boys at the hot drinks station as I approached. This is it.