The Darkness//Newtmas

The First Night

Thomas' POV

Looking around at everyone it seemed too good to be true. A lot of us had made it to this paradise safely and alive thank god for that. But it still didn't really feel like a victory to me. An hour ago I lost maybe the last person in the world who could have meant something to me, she'd died trying to help me. That's all Teresa had wanted all along, she just wanted me to be alive and healthy, she wanted that for me more than she'd wanted it for herself and I'd made her pay for it. She died right in front of me, praying that if she gave her life I would get to keep mine and I still can't work out why she'd done it. All I'd done since we got back from the Scorch was hate her, I'd been an absolute slinthead, a top notch shuck face, when all she'd done was protect me and I was too stupid to accept that was what she'd done. I can't even explain to myself how much I regret treating Teresa like that, if she could just come back now I swear I would get down on my shucking knees and beg for her forgiveness for as long as she wanted me too. But it's to late now, as per usual I decided to ignore what an amazing friend I had until she was gone, and now she's never coming back.

Sitting further away from the other gladers is making me feel better, like I'm paying a small price for what a slint head I'd been. The others are all hugging and laughing and celebrating the fact that we're all here and I want to join in with them, I want to be as happy as they are but truthfully they're all just making me sick. I lost so many important people because of these shucking trials and now we're at the end of them and there's one of my best friends that are still standing, and I hate myself for it. Looking at the beautiful flowers in this place and the lush green grass and feeling the happiness of the others just didn't feel right when it was all being felt without the people who should be feeling it with me.

I didn't even realise that I was crying until a gentle breeze came past and I tasted a salty tear. I reached up and swiped at my face before checking that nobody had seen me, I can't let them think I'm weak after I'd just led them to safety. I sighed, I can't even imagine how much sighing I've been doing since we arrived here. I almost jumped out of my skin when I felt a gentle touch on my shoulder.

''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.'' A pretty female voice said. Brenda, of course.

''It's fine.'' I replied bluntly.

Brenda tilted her head in confusion, a look of hurt flashed across her face. I looked at the ground, I couldn't see the pain I was causing, I'd done quite enough of that. I know I'm not being fair to her, but I can't let her in, I don't love her, I could never love her.

''I was just coming to see if you wanted to join in with the rest of us, you looked a little sad.'' She said.

''I just need to be alone.'' I replied.

''Are you sure, I mean I could stay with y-''

''Brenda,'' I cut her off. ''Please just go away.''

''Thomas, I-''

''Just go.''

Her face completely fell as she slumped back towards the others, and I wanted to feel bad about what I'd just said but I couldn't get Alby, Chuck, Teresa and..... We all know who else off my mind. I can't even bear to say his name, his absence hurts so badly and whenever anyone mentions his name it's like a train has slammed straight into my chest. I shouldn't have left him all alone in that berg, unprotected and defenceless, I shouldn't have left him in the crank palace to become like them and I shouldn't have been the one that put the bullet through his brain. If I'd been a better friend to him, maybe he wouldn't have given up so easily. I stared and my hands and started to twist them, getting so lost in my miserable thoughts even paradise seemed tainted, I almost didn't notice that someone was sat beside me.

I turned to ask them to go away before I saw who it was. It was Minho, my best friend in the world, I couldn't make him leave me alone even if I wanted to. Not after everything I'd done.

''Yeah that's right you shank, don't even think about telling me to shuck off like you did to your girl.''

''She's not my girl.'' I muttered.

''But she wants to be.''

I couldn't argue with that. I turned to Minho and saw for the first time how awful he looked, his eyes were sunken in and they looked so dead that I could have sworn he was one of those shucking cranks. His face was pale and his usually good hair was sticking up all over the place. The thing that I can't stop kicking myself over is the faint, glistening line of tear tracks. I knew who he was thinking about, hell, I was thinking about him too, there's not a minute that goes by where I'm not thinking about him, remembering what I did to him. If only Minho knew what I'd done, he would hate me for sure. But that's not what he wanted, for whatever reason he didn't want Minho and the others to hate me for what I did. Then, maybe he knew, even in his warped mind, his last crazy moments, that nobody would ever hate me as much as I hate myself for doing that to him.

''Why aren't you over there celebrating with the others like the happy shuck you should be?'' I asked him.

''Because I don't consider such a display of death as a victory. You're still one ugly shank.'' He shot back.

I shook my head at the ground, nothing could ever be a victory to me anymore, not without him and Alby, Chuck and Teresa. I'll never be as happy as I once was ever again, I'm not confident I'll ever smile again. I looked at the setting sun, at my fingernails that I'd bitten right down to the skin and at the way my best friend was hunched over, trying to hide his face and the fact that he was crying desperately. That was it, I shot to my feet faster than I'd ever moved in my life, mumbling something to Minho about being tired and escaped to the woods.

When I'd gotten as far away from everyone as possible, I let my knees buckle and I fell to the ground, letting the sobbing take over me. The shuddering was painful, I couldn't breathe and even though there was nobody around I felt embarrassed. Humiliated at the lack of self control I was displaying, but I couldn't stop, it just hurt so much. After I'd finally managed to get hold of myself I looked up at the sky and hoped they were all listening, wherever they were.

''Alby,'' I said, my voice crackling a bit, ''I'm so sorry I didn't listen to you.'' I took a deep breath.

''Chuck,'' I said, swallowing the painful lump, ''I'm sorry I let you down, I didn't make your Mum quit crying.''

''Teresa, I'm sorry I was too stupid to see the truth and I'm sorry I didn't forgive you.''

''Newt,'' I gasped and clutched my chest even at saying his name ''I'm sorry I didn't help you, I'm sorry I left you and I'm sorry I didn't tell you I loved you.''

With that, the sobs took over and I cried myself into a dreamless sleep.

But what Thomas didn't realise was that whilst he was asleep the first tiny tendrils of darkness wrapped their way around his heart as he slept that night. What he also didn't know was that, somewhere he can't yet know but very far away another young boy with blonde hair and the brightest smile cried bitter tears for his lost love too.