My life hasn't always been perfect. Hell it's been horrible. I'm the smiling face at school thats crying behind the bleachers. The cheerful laughter that's silent screaming at night. But I dont want your pity, thats the last thing I need. I just want you to listen. This isn't a cry for help. This is just a way to let out what I've been holding in.
It all started when I was younger, my mom just had me and my sister. She wasn't with either of our dads and we lived with my grandmother. I think I was around 7 when my sister's dad started hitting us. He saw it as discipline and for a while I did too. I remember the crying and screaming that would happen. He would whip us with a leather belt and it hurt. For being too louf in the morning, for taking candy, for taking cards, for making messes. I remember one time we were banging on the door day after Christmas, we wanted to play with our toys. I told the younger ones to go away because I knew he'd be mad. And he was. He ended up punching or shoving me, either way I hit a the side of a glass table on my way down. I remember they were worried, but I was able to get the toys, so I was satisfied it was just me hurt.
I remember when the kids were swearing but I didn't want to, they kept trying to pressure me. We were outside. We all got hit that day. I was hit, even though I didn't swear, I was hit because I didn't say anything to the adult. I thought we were still stuck outside. I never told mom about any of the hitting until one night.
I had taken some cards, I loved cards. They noticed because one of the kid threw they around. I took the blame and I was beaten for stealing. I woke up that night to crying- I didn't even realize I was asleep. I was in the room with a baby and a toddler. The baby crying made the toddler cry, so I had to soothe the baby to get the toddler to be quiet. After my grandma picked me up... She saw the bruises left on my body. I didn't even notice. We called the police for child abuse. I couldn't see him for a while.
He still hits. That didn't change. But he's not as bad anymore. I dont see him much anyways.
I experienced verbal and emotional abuse too. My mom with a guy for a bit and he was okay. If lazy. Then my brother was born premature and it got worse. He would make up do so many things while he slept, most of the time he was unemployed so he'd sleep until dinner or until mom came homw to make dinner. He'd yell at us if we didn't do stuff they way he wanted. If we forgot something, we were yelled and punished. If we were sick and couldn't go to school, we were punished and guilt tripped. If we missed the bus for no reason of our own, we were yelled at. If we were upset at anything, we'd be told to "fix our faces". If we cried from yelling, he'd yell more and tell us we had no reason to cry. This went on for 2 years. The last straw was when we had friends over and our cousin over. We were hungry and we were kids, so we asked him for lunch. He had us walk to the store. The store was far, next to a main road, across a bridge and across anith main road. My mom came home after we came back. We all got junk food because we were kids. He ended up ordering himself McDonald's and none for us. My mom didn't like it and took us ti a hotel.
My mom isn't perfect, she's the master of guilt tripping and manipulation. All my current issues are worse because of her. I appreciate that she works, she works from 7am-3or 4pm. I appreciate she cooks dinner. But I wish she treated me like her son and not a servant. She'll yell at me if I didn't clean up a mess she left the other day (like a pile of stuff). She forces me to take care of both that cat and the dog, both animals I never wanted and have a distain for. She expects me to clean everything, even if its not my chore. She expects me to take care my brother. I understand for when she's at work and he's out school. But then she disappears for hours without so much as a location to wbere she is, so if theres an emergency I don't know where she is and she barely answers the phone for mw, but expects me to always answer the phone for her. If she out if something she expects me to walk to the store and lug it back, of not she'll complain about driving. Even if im doing something that I'm focused on she'll tell me to get thibgs a few feet from her. She has even yelled at me for taking too much food. She and my family picks on how skinny I am but when I try to gain they complain about me eating too much. If I'm not happy with something she says she goes on a rant on how she's a "terrible mother" and how she "can't do anything right" even if im in tears begging her to not say that. If she says something rude, and I respond with an "okay" apparently she can't have a conversation with me. She critics my body, my clothes, my appearance, thinsg I watch, things I do, things I eat and drink. If I ask her to hold money for me, she spends it then say its my fault for not reminding her. If I express my feelings I'm being ungrateful. If im overwhelmed I'm being overdramatic.
This is just a piece of my life. Thank you fir listening, I enjoyed sharing.
-Nyx
