Crappy stories

Onions

Written in my freshmen ELA class with my good friend Kenji. This was written on my school Chromebook so this one is pretty tame.

Tomfooleryquandingilus was a short ogre who hated children. He was a distant cousin of Shrek, and like other ogres, he liked onions. Instead of having different layers of a personality, it was just onion. He lived for onions, he would die for onions, he could never think of liking anything else more than he likes onions.
    But why does he hate children, you ask? Could it be that he was bullied (that's part of the reason)? Could it be that it was because their hands were always sticky? No. it was because they steal his onions. Every day, the children would come to his house and ransack his onion garden. The problem was similar when he was a kid, because his classmates would go through his backpack and steal his onions.
    So there it is. He doesn't hate kids for no reason, he hates them because of the trauma they cause(d). He hasn't had many traumatic experiences, other than the onion stealing, he had a good ogre life.
    Tomfooleryquandingilus was beginning to have had enough of the children bullying him and stealing his onions. He began planning a way to scare them away. He called his ogre family (including Shrek) and had them create an elaborate plan to end his onion crisis.

    It was dusk. This is when the children would arrive, and begin burglarizing his garden.
They quietly creeped into the garden, shoes making sloshing sounds in the mud and swamp puddles.
When suddenly, an ogre appeared and politely ended their free subscription of living. Emphasis on politely. He let them go in the most humane way possible. You'd think it's okay to be comforted knowing that they passed painlessly, but humane means a lot differently in the ogre world, so let's put it in human words: it was violent. Keeping the description as PG as i can because this is a school issued computer, it was anything but humane in human words.
    Tomfooleryquandingilus thanked his family, hugged and kissed them goodbye, and went back to his comforting swamp cabin. He never had to worry about children stealing his onions. And don't worry, his family stayed to help clean the mess they made while politely ending the children's free subscription of living.

The end