This Feeling

Chapter 11

"Oh Lord, oh Lord, I heard You, found myself and I'm searchin'
We been sinnin' but won't do it on purpose
Give it my all, goin' harder but my heart is still hurtin'
What did we do to deserve it? Yeah
It ain't the same in this world but I'm still here
Gotta be strong as I can having all these fears
Being stuck in these chains for so many years
But I gotta play the game 'cause I'm holdin' all of these tears."
Morray ft. Cordae "Still Here"

Nicole

"Nicole, don't make me do this to you." Dr. Jackie told me in a very serious tone. I sat up from the bed and pulled my shirt down.

"Please don't. I'll get my act together. I promise." I really do not want her to force me on a diet even though my situation kind of warrants it. Six months ago, I weighed 117 pounds. At my last doctor's appointment, which was three months ago, I weighed 131 pounds. Today, I am 153 pounds which is borderline obesity based on my BMI.

These past six months have been rough without Kyle. I have had no motivation to go to the gym or even work out at home. Food has really been my source of comfort. I know that's terrible, but I'm going back to being healthy very soon. I just need to get my mind right.

"No more junk food?" She asked.

"No more junk food."

"Okay." She turned back to her computer. My phone vibrated and I checked the notification to see it was a text message from my favorite Chinese food place, saying my online order was ready for pickup. I locked the screen and put the phone under my thigh.

I'll start tomorrow.

"I want to see you in at most three months so we can run these labs again. I don't want you to think I'm picking on you or making you feel bad on purpose. I just want you to be healthy and feel better."

"It's okay. I understand and I appreciate you for going above and beyond."

"Don't hesitate to contact me if you need anything."

"Thank you. Hopefully, the rest of your patients aren't as much of a headache as me."

"I can only hope." She joked, causing me to gasp while she started laughing. "Nicole, get out of here. See you soon."

"Bye, Dr. Jackie."

It's been exactly 183 days, 6 hours, 18 minutes, and 10 seconds since I said goodbye to Kyle.

Before he died, Kyle made all of the funeral arrangements. He wanted to be buried back home so that when the time came around for his mother's burial, she would be laid right beside him.

The funeral was simple but beautiful. All of my loved ones traveled to Nigeria to support me and I will be forever grateful. We wore all white. There was a small drizzle that day and we released doves into the sky. My friends and family stayed for two days after the funeral, while I remained with Kyle's mother for two weeks. They were willing to stay longer, but I ordered them to go home because I didn't want to hold them back from taking care of their responsibilities back home.

The day I was flying back to Atlanta, I woke up before the sun came out and went to the back of the house to sit by the water. I found the sound of the waves to be calming. No matter how hard I tried to think about the things I had to do when I got back, all I could think about was Kyle. His face kept popping up in my mind.
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