The star in the sky looks painfully lonesome besides the glowing moon. The moon in which shines so brightly yet radiates a gentle glow that soothes the hurting souls wandering through the night, whilst the star, being the only one besides the moon shines only a glint compared to the moon's illuminating glow.
The bright moon and the lonesome star that reminds me of us as I stare at them reminiscing our times together. Those moments were short yet bittersweet, but even more so, I'd like to etch them to my memory.
I reckon that took those times for granted but maybe, it is what the fate has written for us. maybe, no matter what my actions were, no matter what my decisions were, if it was meant for us then it is probably what's best for us.
We can't force the stars to align when they've died and we can't beg the fate to rewrite ours just because it is what we desire. But often times on nights like this, I couldn't help yearn for our once called fairy tale to write its story once again, for the moon to be on its full eclipse again.
It was February 2022, when I first approached you. I rarely ever saw you, but when I did, you've always had a smile on you and your eyes would bend into a crescent moon, which was ironic especially when you resemble one so much. I was allegedly a shy person, I couldn't possibly approach you just simply because I admire you all of a sudden, but back then I have this urge that if I didn't be your friend, I'd regret it someday.
So I did, I tried to befriend you and you were incredibly sweet. You were genuine, you have one of the most genuine heart I've known and even with how things are now, I never regret being your friend.
In fact, I think it's one of the bravest and the best thing I've did.
This tiny gesture that I start, was eventually beginning to blossom into more as days past by. I start to miss your presence when we're away, I think of you when I did even the most miniscule of things, I begin to wonder how you're doing during my saddest days and on the days I miss you most, I'd spend my time solitary, pouring my feelings out to you on papers in hopes my whispers would reach your heart.
And for the first time for so long, I was elated by a certain one's presence. But it was feeble of me to think that I could dream forever.
In Jure 2022, I did something that was incredibly petty, and it might be the reason why we ended up this way in the first place. I learned that you were enjoying someone else's company instead of mine. I wasn't one to be offended by such small things, but when she had her hands in your hair, messing with its soft tufts, and when she was right beside you, shoulders to shoulders. I felt immense anguish and jealousy for the first time in my sixteen years, especially seeming how she was on a different league compared to me, seeming how she was the perfect sun to compliment your moon.
But it was stupid of me not to confront you and be honest about my feelings, I should've been braver to you, I should've trust you more. You could've said it was a misunderstanding or could've convinced me that I was just imagining things because knowing how great my love for you is,
I would've forgiven you.
But of course, it wasn't entirely my fault. You also should've put more trust in me. I would've tried to understand you, I would've heard you out and I would've still forgiven you. We were both very naïve, stupid,
And young, we're still learning things, going through new experiences.
We made mistakes and we learned from it, at least I did. From this, my fool self learn that I was never yours in the first place, we were never each other moon and sun's in your eyes and that I, was merely a glint of dim star in yours. But even if so, if you went through such hassle to conceal this unspoken secret between us, doesn't that mean I was something to you? Doesn't that mean I meant something to you?
Those questions can only be answered by you, and only you.
With the unspoken conflict between us, we still kept going like we normally would despite all the doubts we were having about each other. I think that put our already loosening tie a heavy strain, because eventually you stopped trying all of a sudden. You went on without ever acknowledging my fading presence, as if I was meant to be consumed and savoured just for a short while. Whilst I, still kept thinking of you with each passing second, I still miss your company often times, I still wrote about you, pour out my feelings for you, cried, talked about you in my prayers,
and I stayed there , right where you left me at April 2022 unmoving, when we're both still happy and content in each other presence.
We were left unspoken, hanging for 3 months.
I thought I've moved on from you, I really do. Especially since you were only present for a short moment in my life. I was doing well, I was having fun with my life, I even liked a person for a while, even when I wonder about you sometimes.
But my biggest mistake was that I unconsciously look for you in others.
Whenever they'd try to get close to me, I'd compare them to you at times, which of course made me a terrible person. I didn't want that because it'll hurt the other person and eventually me.
I was wrong about moving on from you. I never did. I tricked myself into thinking that I do.I thought I was doing fine without you.
And then came a day where the longing felt overbearing, I wanted to talk to you again,
So, so much.
It was also your birthday, the day the moon that always shines so bright, was brought to the world. I seized the moment to talk to you once again, to rekindle our broken ties. For the first time in 3 months, we talked because of this tiny gesture of mine again. But from there, I noticed a distinct difference between the you now, and the you before, you weren't the same. I know.
And eventually on a very melancholic sunset, the answers to my prayers were given to me, the prayers in which I cried to every night praying to God to ease this ache in my chest, to ease this yearn I have for you, and to erase my lingering feelings I have for you if you were truly not the one for me. I found out that you fell for another beautiful soul.
Of course, I knew that already deep down, but never I imagine that now when the truth had surface, it would hurt so much. It was to be expected, knowing how lovable and kind you are, it'll be impossible for even one soul not having to love you. I thought it was alright, but now that you're in love with someone else,
it's a completely different story because I'd compete with thousands for you, but never the one you want.
I vividly remember how painful it felt. And I remember hating you a little for a second because of it. How come I was the only one missing you so much, when you weren't even fazed by my disappearance? How do you move on so easily, while I was having a hard time forgetting you, while I still see you in the littlest of things, while I feel sick just by remembering you. But most of all, I loathe myself the most for not being able to hate you, for still being able to adore you so much, after all the heartaches you've given me.
Even when I know you never intend to hurt me. You see, I am a firm believer in what I know, and the you I knew would never hurt your friends.
The universe was never fair to us humans, but how cruel can it be? All those nights I spent praying hoping to erase my lingering feelings for you were in vain. I wasn't content with being the person who used to have a meaning in your life. I want to give meaning to you, to your life, I want to be a part of your present and not just a fragment of your past.
But perhaps there could be a silver lining behind universe's arrangement. Maybe what God has planned for me, for us, was for the best after all. Though I do not get what it is yet, but maybe someday the answers will be given to me.
Someday when I find someone else who can make me as happy as I was with you, maybe then I'll understand.
But as for now, I realised that your heart now lies somewhere else than it was back then in April 2022, and now it is time I learn to let you go, no matter how intricate or painful it may be.
I think it is what the fate intend for us in the first place after all, i.
