Bad habits; Jeongchan

You gotta be there for me too

Jeongin doesn't recover for a while. He becomes more apathetic than before, less quick-witted, more stuck in his head.

Chan still isn't sure of what set him off so bad as for him to need so much rest( is terrified it was nothing, that one day Jeongin will snap and go off the rails when there's no one to stop him, that it'll all end the way it began: balconies, blood, cigarettes).

In the meantime, no longer smoking has become harder than ever. With Jeongin further away emotionally, Chan has no-one to distract him from his parents.

It's hard on him, the lack of sleep, the lack of stability, the lack of his fucking smokes-

He wonders if this is the way it'll be for the rest of his life. If he'll always just be wishing and wishing for cigarettes, until the day he finally cracks, like a leaky pressure pipe, allowing smoke to enter his lungs every once in a while and then regularly.

( One time, in the middle of the night after a restless day of little sleep, he wonders if lighting a candle and inhaling the smoke would have the same effect as smoking. Then he remembers- nicotine).

When even Changbin comments quietly on how desperate for a hit he looks, a worried look on his face, Chan knows something has to give. Changbin and him don't really talk about negative feelings, haven't ever. 

And he can't even take it out on Jun( he hates that guy, seriously), because that idiot went and got himself suspended after his little incident with Chan and Changbin. Turns out that going after a freshman in rage right after you started a fight with two seniors isn't the smartest move to make.

In short, Chan feels like a live wire, just about to

s n a p.

-

In his defense, he makes it until the party.

It's this ridiculous thing, this dumbass get together thrown by some poser who's friends with Changbin, who's similar to Changbin, except his aesthetic isn't smoking but drinking whiskey like he's in the Peaky Blinders show.

Fucking ridiculous.

Chan envies him anyway. Destructive habits where the person has some semblance of control? He'd take that over his self caused lot anytime.

But that's not the important thing. The important thing is that it's two AM and he's had ( barely, it's hard to get alcohol when you're not of age) enough drinks to loosen up and tolerate the blonde girl touching his knee.

She's way out of his league, and Changbin looks mildly impressed, but by the way she keeps glancing over to a different corner of the living room, he knows he's nothing but a pawn in whatever stupid game her and the dude she's actually into are playing.

So when Changbin, the one sane person he knows, gets up to smoke, Chan follows him without hesitation. That's his first mistake.

The night air is cool on Chan's face. Every time he drinks, his cheeks get red and warm way too fast. 

Changbin fumbles with his pack of cigarettes.

"Can I bum one off you?", Chan asks, not really thinking anything of it. That's his second mistake.

And maybe it's the way he looks, hair damp, tired eyes, skin shiny with sweat, but Changbin only raises an eyebrow before handing him a cigarette with the lighter.

It fills his lungs in that warm, familiar way, taking away that ache he holds in his chest-

and then he realizes what he's done, and pauses.

There's two options here. One feels right, one is right.

It would be a shame to waste a cigarette. It would be worse to break a promise to Jeongin. But that feeling...

He stares at the reddish light at the end, feels the coolness expanding through his body. Yes or no, yes or no, yes or-

One more drag, he tells himself. One more drag, and he'll drop it. No biggie, just a little finger movement. And that's the nail in the coffin he built himself.

He smokes the whole thing like that, feeling sick to his stomach after.

"I have to go", he tells Changbin.

"Hey, you ok? What's up?", he asks in response, and they've really gotten damn far from being young and selfish and only friends because they're seat mates, because when Chan walks away, Changbin follows.

They walk side by side to a playground across the street with a swing set to sit down on. During the day, only kids are allowed on there. But who is going to check that in the middle of the night?

"I didn't-", Chan starts, then looks at his hands. How is he ever going to get Jeongin to forgive him?

"You didn't what?", Changbin presses, ever confrontational.

Chan's too tipsy and too calm from the cigarette, so it takes him a while to come up with what he meant to say. He's going to regret this later, and there's a guilt settling deep in his bones, but it hasn't ensconced him fully yet.

"Mean to smoke", Chan mumbles, kicking up pebbles with his feet as he sways the swing.

"Maybe. But you did."

Changbin's voice is measured, and Chan knows.

They all have skeletons in the closet. In Changbin's case, it's an empty house, empty promises.

"Why'd you give me the cigarette?", Chan asks. He's too tired to play games.

"Because I can't force you to do anything. If you want to break an oath, that's on you."

Chan looks up to the stars, tries to go back to the sense of calm he was feeling just a minute ago and stop the burning tears from falling. There it is, the feeling of hopelessness, he was wondering where it went.

"So what do I do now?"

"Well, either you tell Jeongin about it, or you don't."

"I don't- I don't know what to do", he tries to suppress that lump in his throat, coating his speech.

"For now? You don't do anything. You go home, sober up, and sleep. The aftermath will still be waiting for you when you return, no worries."

Chan snorts. Changbin's right, as usual, but still...

"You're a real asshole, you know that?"

Changbin hums.

"Yeah, but at least I'm honest about it."

Chan ignores the subtle jab. It only tells him Changbin is more pissed than he lets on. They sit there in silence for a long time.

"I'm going to have to tell him, aren't I?", Chan says finally, dreading the answer.

"You don't have to do anything, it depends solely on your sense of morals."

"So... yes."

"You should. You don't have to, but you should."

-

Combating addiction is a game of two steps forward and one back( if not one step forward and two back). That's why people always say it's best never to get addicted.

Btw, I don't know if you noticed this, but Changbin is definitely addicted, no matter what Chan says. The difference between Chan and him is that Changbin 1. started for the aesthetic, not the stress relief, 2. smokes less, and 3. would be less likely to slip up if he made the same promise.