RUBEN

rvben ruben lilbeben

there's always something so vibrational being around ruben. physics were right. everything is energy. one thing you can't deny about ruben is the energy he gave. i know everyone noticed, especially when he's being himself. ruben is the one who stood out among the crowd. his energy is huge. and i am sure everyone knows ruben's existence is easy to spot. sometimes i feel like he's my energy matcher. i hate to admit it, but it's undeniably right. maybe that's also the reason why i get to see him more often, nearly every day. we would just regularly bumped into each others in between classes. talk regularly, he could be gone for days and come back again to show me random tiktok videos then continually disappears.

as i told you, i never looked for him. i hate him so much. i talk to all my friends about how freaky and eccentric ruben is. i called my friends only to talk about how weird he is. telling my friends he has this weird way on how to get chance to talk to me. when he messages me and i didn't respond right away, he unsend it. in fact, i used to purposely turned around whenever i see him him in the hallway.

i also believe other's perspectives about him now. of course i didn't swallow all those rumors for no reason. i agree because that's what i saw.  i feel bad sometimes. i wonder how does it feel like to be a public enemy, how does it feel like to wander around looking for places to stay or people to be with. but then again, he is giving an energy of a walking red flag. i can't believe someone like him had a past lovers. those girls were nuts. at least i know they were a dumber bunch of girls after me.

eventually, a lot of people know me and ruben are friends. it then became unnatural when he isn't around. even when his annoying ass bothered me, even when i told my friends how much i hated him for still sending me random tiktok vids and so many more. i somehow kept looking for him and tried to find a way to talk to him. i find it strange. i feel so embrassed. i told all of my friends he's a freak and i hate him so much. with the fact that i hang with ruben a lot. in the end, everyone eventually knows how tight we are. he then became my close ones, someone i look for, and someone i think about.

everyday feels exciting because i know ruben's gonna be around. i stopped talking shit about ruben behind his back. he turned to be so kind to me. even though he's still THAT annoying but that just the way he is.

but as i got closer to him, just when i told my friends about my feelings that could potentially grows, he got himself a girlfriend. a fucking girlfriend.

it didn't break me at all though. i was fine without even trying. "maybe if i didn't put on much air this wouldn't happen" of course, there were a pang in my chest whenever i feel like i'm about to lose you. it was obvious. i was in denial for so long. and i know ruben and her had a thing for a while, it wasn't even that surprising anymore. everybody around me said the same thing. very naive of me thinking he would just keep me around only because i thought he likes me. i wish i can ignore ruben, i told novia and dea i'm over him. but goddamn, i cant keep lying.

i ran to jordy, a great friend of mine. i told jordy i am late for realizing it should've been ruben all along, i thought it should've been somebody else but it doesn't feel right at the moment. took jordy to told me "of course you like him. it shows, you're always talking about him. isn't he the guy who likes you for you?" i gasped. no shit. jordy's right. it was ruben all along. it made me realized i've just been in denial for so long. i always tried to convince myself i hate ruben because if i don't, i might fall for him even more. and i know it will happen, that's why i tried so hard to keep hating him.

i know everybody will agree about how much loss they will feel if ruben weren't around even with others that dislike him, and i felt that way when he wasn't around. i just felt disconnected from him. i don't know if he felt the same way about this. i made it even worse when i realized what i went through was kinda unfair. what about me? i lost someone to talk to, but ruben didn't.

the air hits different too. i feel things are coming to fade away. we wouldn't bumped into each other in between classes as usual, we stopped talking on our free time, i don't really get a random messages from him like before. i am very aware of what happened so i stopped expecting to hear from him too.

i got back to my old crush, thinking it would make me feel better. before i met ruben, i had a huge crush on ken, really admire ken from afar. there isn't much information about ken. ken was hidden among everyone else. i was crushing hard on him. i used to be so happy with the bare minimum, just like when he looked at me, even for a fleeting moment. but i was too scared to talk to ken. ken didn't catch my code. there weren't much energy to it. it was exciting while it lasted, but admiring from afar wasn't enough. i wanna be in love so bad, i felt like i needed someone to be with. until i realized it turned out that i was lying to myself, multiple times. i romanticized my feelings into thinking they were real. into thinking it was love.

i quit as soon as ruben gets in the way. i don't think a person could read me the way ruben does, in a weird and specific way. i don't think he realizes i like him back because i was in denial for so long. when i lost ruben to someone else,  i realize not choosing him might be stupid idea.