The Red Widow

Chapter 4 - Crack in the Glass

    The moment my breathing steadies and I gather myself, fear washes over me for the first time, probably ever. Yelena's hand cradles my head, stroking through my hair; my eye catches the Glock in the strap on the outside of her thigh. In one lightning fast motion, I pull the gun from her and shove her away from me, immediately on my feet. I point the barrel at her face and slowly back away.

  "Ksana!" Riri exclaims, shocked. Her and Shuri stand on opposite ends of the lab. Yelena stares at me, but doesn't look surprised. She holds her hands up and slowly gets to her feet. My mind dashes all over the place and I panic, "What's going on?" As she gets to her feet, Yelena points her fist at me, the Widow's Bite on her wrist whiring to life, "Put it down; before I make you."

   I shout at her, "I've never seen you before in life, why do I know who you are?" Her and I circle each other, she keeps her voice calm, "You were programmed by Dreykov to attack me on sight when I escaped. My face was burned into your memory to show any and all aggression possible. Put the gun down, I can explain everything, let me help you." Her Widow's Bite glows red and she repeats herself, "Put it down."

   "What did you do to me just now, what was that?!" I scream at her, more tears flowing down my cheeks. She keeps her composure, "It's a synthetic gas. It immunizes your Nero-pathways, wiping you from your programming. You have your own control, now." My breathing slows. She wiped everything. Everything that had tortured me, forced me to be a faceless weapon; it's all gone. A lump catches in my throat and I look to Shuri and Riri with tears in my eyes. The only two people I could call my "friends". Who worked tirelessly to get this to happen. They both smile at me and Shuri nods. Tears run down my face and Yelena slowly lowers her fist, "Put it down and talk to me. Let me help you."

   A weird sense of guilt comes over me for blindly pointing a gun at the people who only tried to help me; a feeling I've never given a second thought to. I choke on a sob and hand the gun back over to Yelena. She slowly takes it from my shaking hand and secures it back in her strap.

...

   Four hours pass and Shuri, Riri, Yelena and I all sit around a small table in Shuri's lab while Yelena explains everything to me. How she and her sister, Natasha Romanoff teamed up the take down the Red Room and how Yelena has been working to free other Widows like me. How she's been working with her "mother", Melina, an ex-widow herself, to perfect the red gas formula to keep the process going.

"I didn't exactly plan to free you the moment I found you, but you didn't really give me a whole lot of options." She smiles at me, "How are you feeling?" I take a deep breath and think for a moment. "Strange." I admit, "I feel everything more deeply; my emotions. I can't really tell what feelings are mine and which ones aren't. All of my memories feel like dreams. Like, I can't tell which ones happened and which ones didn't." She looks at me sympathetically, "Yeah, I'm sure. That'll change, though, we can work through it, it'll get better." I nod, avoiding her eye contact, still feeling uneasy.

"So you aren't here just to wipe my programming, are you?" I ask, very forward. She sighs and sits back in her chair, looking at Shuri. "Yelena and I have wondered if being here, in Wakanda, is the best thing for you." Shuri explains to me. I stare at her, confused. Is she sending me away? I ask her, "Is it dangerous... having me here?" I wonder if there is something I did to be make someone upset. Shuri and Riri both shake their heads, "No, no no. We just know that we have done all we could for you here; we're thinking about you. You've trained with the Dora Milaje for months and have come so far. There's not much more we can teach you."

Yelena leans forward and folds her hands on the table, "Ksana, I know exactly what you're going though... and what you have been through. We went through the same thing, you and I. Trained in the same rooms, used the same weapons, and undergone all of the same brain washing and surgical procedures. We're carbon copies. But, I've seen what you can do; clearly," she smiles, "I have a group of people like us; a team, really. We can use your skills and to have another Widow on the team-" I cut her off, angrily, "I'm not a Widow, anymore." She looks at me, a little surprised. "The day the Ayo and the Dora Milaje found me, I left all of that behind. I don't want to hurt people anymore."

"We don't hurt people." She assures me. "Not innocent ones. We simply act as a support unit for those who need us." I stare out the dark window and watch the late night hustle and bustle of Wakanda. The only place I've found comfort and love. I don't want to leave, but even if Shuri and Riri tell me I'm not a danger being here, who can promise that? I can't even decipher what emotions are my own, yet. The thought makes me sad; genuinely; but maybe having Yelena to guide me through this phase would be good. I wipe the tears from my eyes before they fall and I ask in a quiet voice, "Can I think about it?" Yelena gives me a smile and nods, in a small voice, "Of course."

Shuri puts her hand on top of mine, "You should go home, get some rest. No training tomorrow, you've had enough today. Take some time to think about what your options are." She gives me a warm smile. I return it and nod. Getting up from the table, I give Riri's hand a squeeze, too. It's quiet as I make my way to the door; just before I leave, I turn to Yelena, "I live in the bungalows just outside the barrier. Come by tomorrow?" She smiles and nods. I get in the elevator and take it down to the main entrance of the palace. My body feels heavy. An exhaustion I've never felt before washes over me and I close my eyes the rest of the elevator ride.

Just as the doors open, I step out and see Ayo. We stare at each other for a moment and another lump forms in my throat. A sadness washes over her face and without a word, she pulls me into her embrace. I lose it, quietly weeping into her chest. She lets me cry for a moment and I confess, "I don't want to go." She's quiet for a moment before she whispers, "I know, omncinci (little one)."