anhedonia (unfinished)

father, father,

tell me, where have you been?

it's Sunday morning (again) and
you're still sleeping (again)

but you knew we were coming,
right?

of course, you did.
you always knew, you
just never cared.

we annoyed you. 
i know we did.

you hid it well from my oblivious siblings but,
never well enough from me.

you never wanted us.

you never said it outright but,
i heard it clearly.

i heard it in the way you'd sigh with irritation,
as i knocked on your bedroom window to wake you up
because it was Sunday morning (again)
and you were still sleeping (again).

you knew we were coming but,
you were just tired o̶f̶ ̶u̶s̶  from a long,
long week of work.

i return to my expectant siblings,
their eyes shining with hope and admiration for you.
is he coming? 
i can't wait to see him,
do you think he'll play with us this time?

no.

it was going to be the same, old, routine.

because as soon as you were sure that our mother had driven away,
you'd go right back to sleep,
l̶e̶a̶v̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶m̶e̶,
leaving us to entertain ourselves.

it was supposed to be your job,
but it quickly became mine.

father, father,
wake up,
please.

we miss you, and

we came all this way to see you.
couldn't you sleep another time?

i was nine,
then i was ten,
then i was twelve,
then i was thirteen,
then i was-

[redacted], we're hungry,
should we tell hi-

no. don't go. don't... go.
i'll go.

i don't want you to see him like i do-
ugly, selfish, uncaring, angry.

i'll ask him.
maybe he'll finally cook for us?

ah, 

who am i kidding,
kfc again,
right? 

right.

father, father,
i'm sorry that i woke you up but,
we're hungry,
would it be okay if you got us something to eat?

i was thirteen,
then i was fourteen,
then i was fifteen,
then i was sixteen,
then i was-

angry.
i am angry.

i hate you.

i really do,
father,
father.

why don't you like us?
why don't you care?
why don't you lo-

ah, they're watching me.
they're confused.

[redacted], why are you angry?

[redacted], we're bored,

[redacted], we're hungry,
[redacted], is he still sleeping?

i'm sorry, you two,
let's go home.

we'll leave now and
we'll try again next Sunday.

maybe he won't be sleeping then.