We were a couple for a while, but then we started to argue a lot. We both decided that it would be better to go different ways, because we were hurting each other. We would pick on each other for spending too much time in bed in the morning, or for washing the floors on the wrong day. We both knew that there was no right day to wash the floors, but we would still argue about it and yell at each other. The yelling was what hurt us the most. When we started to raise our voices at each other, I knew that there was no going back and I was right. In every argument we yelled and with every yell, my heart was breaking into tiny pieces which are not easy to put back together. We knew that the energy between us was starting to get very negative, therefore we had to go different ways. To find ourselves. It was the hardest choice of my life. She was my first love. I thought she was my soulmate, but suddenly it was all gone. It was hard for me not to wake up next to her to see her beautiful sleep face, her puffy eyes and saliva dripping out of her mouth on a freshly washed pillow case.
I didn't have any new relationships for years after we split up, because I wasn't able to forget her. But who can blame me? How could I ever forget the most perfect girl. Even her small ears with pearl earrings made me smile.
Luckily our paths crossed again and two years later we got back together. We knew we had to change ourselves for our relationship to work and we did. I remembered why I fell in love with her. Her beautiful smile that makes my heart melt, her brown eyes that look like honey, especially in the summer, when the sun is shining the brightest. Her passion for dogs.
One of the reasons why we argued a lot in the past, was because she really wanted a dog. She found an ill husky on facebook. The owners didn't want to keep it, because they wanted a healthy dog. She wanted to save the dog, but we lived in a small apartment and we could barely afford food for ourselves. The apartment wasn't beautiful. It was old. The wallpapers were peeling off, the lamps could barely hang on to the ceiling and the furniture smelt like cigarettes. It was located in a part of the city, where maniacs, drug dealers and many homeless people would live. The only view that surrounded us was houses. They all looked the same. Twelve floors, white and brown bricks and clothes drying on people's balconies. Maria knew that we lived poorly, but she still wanted the dog. She would try to convince me by saying that it will bring joy into our home, but that wasn't true. The dog wouldn't be able to save us at that time. Still, she dreamed about it everyday. She even gave it a name- Bob.
I loved her strongly built body that made me feel safe. Mostly in heterosexual relationships, men are the one's who protect their women, because they are stronger, but we were different. I was tall, very skinny with almost no muscles. She was twenty centimeters shorter than me, but evenly masculine. Everyone was scared of her, but not me. She always spoke her mind even if it could hurt someone. Remembering how beautiful of a human being she is, made me want to change myself for better. Every single day, from the day when we got back together, I thanked the Earth. I still thought that she was my soulmate. Or at least I really wished it was true, therefore I decided to marry her. She said yes. The second best day of my life.
She is a very spontaneous girl, therefore we decided to get married the next day after my proposal. We rented out a small restaurant, used our origami skills to make some swans out of paper as decorations and invited only a few people. We invited our parents, two friends of mine and two friends of her's. I've never seen or met her friends, James and Julian, because she doesn't trust people and doesn't want to get hurt. She told me that they are the closest to a friend's title. Looking back, I should've known that they were trouble. After our wedding, they started to visit our house almost everyday. They annoyed me. They touched every single thing in our house and never wanted to leave. I knew Maria was annoyed as well, but she didn't say anything. Even when I asked privately, she denied it and said that I was being dramatic. She started to have secrets and she was acting very strange. It almost felt like she was doing everything to avoid talking to me about her friends or even other topics. I invited her for dinner in a restaurant. It was an elegant chinese restaurant. She loved chinese food. She also loved late night walks in the city, therefore I chose a restaurant in the most beautiful part of the city we lived in, so we could go on a walk afterwards. She didn't show up. I waited an hour. After the first twenty minutes, I started to call her, but she didn't pick up the phone. I started to get worried. I tried calling James and Julian, but none of them picked up the phone. I took the food that I already ordered and went home. When I arrived, I saw her picking up boxes and carrying them into the house next to us. I stopped and stared at her, but she didn't notice me. Or she was avoiding me. I am not sure. I called her name and she turned around.
' Why are you dressed up so nicely? Oh, did you bring food? I am starving.'
' We were supposed to go eat dinner...'
' I am so sorry. I totally forgot. It's just... James and Julian are moving into our neighborhood and I am helping them to unpack.'
'Of course they are...'
I turned around and walked into our house. She was suddenly obsessed with people who she doesn't even want to call friends. She hurt me. I realized that maybe marrying her was too fast for our relationship. Everything changed after we got married. She started to bring out parts of her personality that I didn't know existed. She barely talked to me and it felt like I was invisible. We stopped doing our rituals, for example, drinking hot coffee early in the morning, baking pancakes every Sunday and taking walks every evening. Now I did all of that by myself. I tried my best to accept her the way she was, but I couldn't. My symptoms of depression started to worsen. That's when I realized that I had to leave her. Leave my soulmate. Again. I went to sign the divorce papers and brought them back home. When I entered the house with the saddest face that I could have, she realized what was going on. She started to panic. Her whole body was shaking and her look was attached to the papers. As I was about to speak, she ran to get her jacket and left the house. I tried to follow her, but she started to scream. I've never heard her scream like that. Her face was all red and the veins on her forehead were starting to get more visible with every scream. She didn't scream words. She was just yelling and crying. I wanted to calm her down, but she would just scream all over the words I said. I started to get mad, so I turned around and went inside the house. I could still hear her scream. After five minutes of her screaming, I started to get worried. Maybe I should've called the psychiatric hospital. Suddenly the screaming stopped. I went to look out of the window and she was gone. All of the neighbors were outside their houses, but she was nowhere to be found. I ran outside the house to look for her, but she wasn't there. I yelled, asking if anyone saw her, but nobody did. I started to feel a panic attack coming, so I went inside the house. I was crying, trying to catch my breath. I thought I was going to die. My whole body was shaking, starting from my fingertips and ending at my feet. I couldn't breathe at all. I tried to calm down, but it was for nothing. I took my phone and called the last person I talked to. It was Julian. Both, Julian and James, came to my house as fast as they could. They made me tea. A very sweet tea. And helped me to catch my breath. It really felt like my breath decided to leave my body and go for a walk.
' I want to go for a walk', I said. I thought I could catch my breath by taking a walk.
They helped me to stand up and Julian came to walk with me. I asked if he knew where Maria went, but he said that he didn't hear anything, therefore he didn't know that we were even fighting.
We came back into my house and I said that he could leave. I was feeling better. He left. The moment the front doors closed, I started to hear noises from the basement. I thought that those were just hallucinations. I had a panic attack, therefore I thought it was normal. I went to sleep early, but I couldn't fall asleep. Partly because I was worried about Maria and partly because the noises in the basement continued. It sounded like someone walking, sometimes like an animal screaming for help. We didn't have animals, so I tried to calm myself down, saying that those are just hallucinations.
Five days went by and I still didn't know where Maria was. I tried to visit Julian and James, but they weren't home. I called the police, because that was the only option I was left with. The next day the police came to my house. They checked every room, trying to find clues where she could've gone. Meanwhile I went to see if Julian and James were home, but all I saw was a sign in their yard saying that they're selling the house. I remember thinking back, how strange that was, because they didn't mention moving. I tried calling them, but no one answered. Suddenly the police came out of my house and told me to stay exactly where I am.
