Whatever It Takes

Prologue

Life is about making decisions, whether they are for your own or the welfare of everyone. Before you take a route, you can never fully know where it will take you. There are no promises made. One of the most significant life lessons I've learned is this. Nobody claimed that choosing to act morally constantly would result in happiness. Even the deepest love cannot guarantee that it will be reciprocated. Getting rich and famous does not ensure happiness. That's what life taught me, and it was a painful lesson for me to learn. Even though it won't be appreciated, I have always made decisions in the past that will benefit my loved ones. Ensuring that I am acting properly just to attract attention. Although I rose to the top, nobody seems to be proud of me or my accomplishments. In the end, we are all just a bunch of beings waiting for somebody to take notice of us, so we really can't have it all.

My life as a model was a tough one, it was difficult for me to find management because no agency would take me. I believed it was supposed to be like that when I eventually had the opportunity to become well-known and had to handle everything on my own, but I was mistaken. I think back on how I wanted to work as a model until I retired, but things didn't work out that way. Although my previous life was lonely, I am nonetheless grateful that I am still alive as I stand in the corner and reflect about it.

"Mommy! I have shells! Look!" I glanced at my son standing far from me, I stared at him happily raising the shells he took from the seashore, he was smiling widely at me, and I can't help but to reminisce about life before, I smiled and went to him. I sat in the sand and gave him my arms; he excitedly took it and sat on my lap. I fixed his messy hair and kissed his cheeks.

"What were you saying, love?" Before answering me leaned his back on me and started telling me what he was holding.

"I found this, Mommy love. These are seashells. Can I keep them? Please?" He was so cute when he pouted and proudly showed me what he got. I hugged him tighter, and I felt that he hugged me back. I really love my baby's warmth. It gives me nothing but peace and security.

"We have to ask the owner of this beach, baby." He pouted again; I kissed his cheeks repeatedly with gigil.

"Okay, mommy." I'm blessed to have a kid whose understanding, I don't know what happened in my past life to receive something like this. The only best decision I made in my entire life, to have and keep Alexander Isaiah with me. He's nearing five already and I can't help but feel emotional, for those years here we are still surviving even if it's only the two of us. Every time I look at him, I always see him. My biggest heartbreak, who was once my home, the remembrance is uncanny, from head-to-toe Isaiah is indeed the small version of his father. As a mom, I am feeling guilty, Isaiah is growing up only knowing me, we are not that close to anyone even with far neighbors. It's like I'm making a life that is secluded for only us two. It pains my heart that my son is still young yet begins to experience what I have before.

I grew up in a complete family, but it felt lonely, I was always the one kept in the dark, never felt my Mom and Dad's affection and love because in their eyes it's only Kuya and Ate, even my grandparents are not proud of my existence, I grew up being envious with other people. That pushed me to build a career on my own assuming I would get noticed by them, but I successfully failed. I had supporters who are more than enough for me, yet it's still different when support comes from your family. Looking at Isaiah I can't think of what kind of mother I am, he's growing up without a father figure and only having me. Maybe "History repeats itself." Is quite true, I never experienced what is like having a family, and Isaiah is experiencing it too, we both don't have a family that we can call and communicate with any time because since day 1 it was only us. Being pregnant for the first time terrified me to death because I had no idea how to handle it and had no idea how to take care of a child. I had always managed to take care of myself but taking care of a growing life inside of you is different. Every day I would always overthink what future I would give my child. I already feel incomplete and broken, and here I am trying my hardest to give my child a complete existence. After almost 5 years here we are, happily content with what we have. Making Isaiah experience the things that I was deprived of.

And if he ever asks about his father, I will be happy to introduce Isaiah to him. I will never encourage my son to feel resentful of his father. I made a promise to myself that I would not hate his father, I would not give him pain, because he was there when everything was coming apart and chaotic, the years that we were together were undoubtedly the happiest of my life. Without him, I would not be fortunate enough to have Isaiah. I will not subject him to suffering. If he has a family of his own already, it's okay. Isaiah has me, he will always have me. Hindi hindi ko ipagkakait yung karapatan niya kay Isaiah, hindi rin ako papayag na makikihati ang anak ko. As long as my son has his smile, I am willing to overcome anything just for him. I am here and I am able to grant all of his requests. If doing so means shattering myself again, then be it. Nothing is more important to me than Isaiah. I hope that one day he will be proud to have me because I cannot afford for my son to hate me because that will kill me. I had already lost everything and was on the verge of giving up when he entered my life, but he filled me and restored my faith in love. I hope people won't despise my son the way they did me in the past if I ever present him to the world. My son deserves the world, hating an innocent child will not make you a better person, kahit sa akin na lang. I am giving permission to throw hate at me because somehow, I deserve it, if only I did not expect so many things wouldn't happen.

"Mommy! The sunset!" He pointed out the sunset, this is our routine every time that we are on a beach, watching the sunset together like it's the most beautiful ending you've ever seen.

"Wow, love! That's beautiful." I told him and ruffled his hair.

"Beautiful like you! I love you mommy. Isaiah loves mommy!" His words tugged my heart. My sweet Isaiah. My baby, you are already turning five, and mommy is not yet ready for you to grow up. I promise to do all my best so I won't disappoint you, we will travel the whole world and make memories together, we are going to watch concerts, we will paint and go to museums, we will watch sunsets together and we are going to live our life to the fullest, no regrets with everything love. As long as you have me, you have nothing to worry about.

siempre sera mami y tu.