Ambivalence: a love exploration

"What is love? Baby Don't Hurt Me. Don't Hurt Me. No More"

Hi.

I don't know if this letter will ever meet the fingertips and mind of anyone at all, furthermore its purpose is to fulfill a certain part of my soul that I never felt.

I couldn't tell you the first thing about love.

Let's just start there.

I'm certain of the fact that a newly born infant would have more of an inkling of an idea of what love is than yours truly, trust me.

I couldn't give you a plausible definition, or an accurate analogy, or even a descriptive simile now when I'm thinking about it..

It's an abstract noun, you can't hold it in your hands or give it substance. It's felt. Which can be confounding, confusing.

I've had first hand experience with so-called first love. However, I haven't lived to a second love, a third love, a fourth love or fifth love. Not that it is required or anything. Unless I've missed something.

I'm still in the first love phase. With hopes on the emphasis on "phase".

The psychological aspects of love, on a personal level, are beyond the understanding of confusion.

Visiting them in your dreams, thinking about them consistently three years later, losing concentration on studying because of them, knowing them yet not knowing them.

Love, as my dad phrased it, is one of the most amazing yet frustrating feelings in the universe.

I don't disagree.

As someone who has never had much luck in the romance department, I can only perceive from my many literary and cinematic friends. Sascha and Isi, Connor Bailey and Bree Campbell, Hazel and Augustus, Clary and Jace, Eleven and Mike, Lucifer and Chloe, Anne and Gilbert, and more. Yet the equation of love is something my non-existent mathematical brain would never discover in a million trillion years. Maybe it just isn't that simple. Which is equally as frustrating.

Watching video after video of these compilations of cinematic character love arcs, the beauty, rawness and pain that ensues with love is something one craves.

Those butterflies the books highlight, those blushed cheeks, and those moments of eye contact documented in motionless and silent movie segments.

Yet desperation and fantasizing maybe isn't the best approach to it.

Who am I to advise you and guide you in your journey of love? I mean it's your journey.

Maybe that is the thing with love. It can't be compared.

Each journey is authentic and diverse to each individual.

Love may not have or need a specific definition. Maybe you create it on your own. You can be inspired, and can learn from others' love, but your love is your own.

Nothing is picture perfect like the way the Pinterest pictures display it.

Although, bashfully I wish it was.

What if it could be played out?...

Well my dear literary, fantasy buddies, let's get on out there.