bipolar baby/mid90s

~cigarettes and bandaids~

The one window that's in each of our rooms shines light into the corridor, and all of our doors were open. Stevie abruptly bangs into the wall in front of me as I move down the corridor. I take hold of him. "Jesus, are you all right?" I ask. After leaving Stevie's room, our brother Ian rushes after him in an effort to grab him. I shove Ian out of the way and slam him up against the wall. "Don't touch him," I said firmly.

He rolls his eyes at me as Stevie is trembling behind me, scared he was going to get hit again. I let Ian go and he stomps back into his own room slamming the door behind him. I go to Stevie and crouch down in front of him. "Stevie, you okay?" He nods. "You sure?" "Yeah."  There was blood then streaming from his nose quickly. "Shit. We need to get you cleaned up." I stood up from my crouching position and quickly move us into the kitchen. He sits up on the counter and I quickly grab a paper towel and dash it with some water and give it to him. He holds it up against his nose. I check for any more bruises or cuts that need to be cleaned up. There was one on his jaw. 

I grabbed the first aid kit from the cabinets and search through it, looking for some bandaids and Neosporin (the gel that cleans up cuts). I clean up the blood from his jaw and put the Neosporin on, and last the bandaid. Stevie wipes the last of the blood from his nose and hands the blood-soaked paper towel to me which I immediately dispose of. 

~~~~

I was sitting in my room reading a big brother magazine while hearing my mom and Ian screaming at eachother about the beating that happened. I then put on my headphones when it got louder and played Metallicas new album LOAD. Getting up I opened the window, then getting a cigarette and lighting. Inhaling the sour smoke I immediately felt better.

~~~

We were all out having dinner, silently, as mom kept talking about her love life. I normally drowned it out. Talking about how your own mother is attracted to someone isn't exactly what you'd wanna listen or talk about. I start listening to the music the resturaunt was playing. The song "Kiss from a rose" by Seal, came on. It wasn't bad. I was supposed to have dinner with Ray and his mom tonight because she invited me but my mom told me we were having dinner together so I had to cancel. I hated it. And my mom barely knows my friends. She doesn't even know their names, families, or what they look like. So I couldn't tell her I was planning to have dinner with one of them. She wouldn't trust me because she'll think I might get bad again.

I already have...she just doesn't know it.

I got cut off from my own thoughts when my little brother Stevie spoke up. "Um, Ian. I got you this. I know you don't have it yet..." He seemed so nervous. He shakily handed over the gift to ian and he grabs it, rips the newspaper wrapping off, looks at it, and then tosses it on the table with the wrapping on top. It was so shitty. The look on Stevies face broke my heart. 

~~~THE NEXT DAY~~~

My friends and I were skating outside of our store and showing off tricks to the old ladies that stood near our store, smoking and drinking out of a flask. You could hear their nails clacking against each other and on the flasks. 

My friend Fuckshit went up to the ladies. "Hey, you sexy ladies wanna see a trick?" "Mhmm." They said. Fuckshit has been my bestfriend since the seventh grade. It was when I was doing a trick outside my house and he happened to walk by when I fell. My arm got cut from a piece of glass that somehow decided to be where I landed. My arm was bleeding like hell and he ran over to me, and asked me if I was okay helping me up. I wasn't on meds back then for my manic episodes and I started yelling. "Of fucking course im not fine! Are you a fucking idiot?!" He just laughed and was patient with me as I kept yelling, he brung me into the house and cleaned me up. Afterward, he asked for my name and number and we started hanging out every day since.

Fuckshit landed his trick and skated over to me as I was getting filmed by Fourthgrade. Fuckshit leaned against the wall waiting to talk to me. Fourthgrade is our quiet film guy. He films us skating and doing stupid shit. And every once and a while he asks the most out of pocket shit than you can ever imagine. Then, he stays silent. I always wonder what's going inside his head. I feel like it would be movie ideas. He told he would wanna make a movie when he grows up. 

Once I was done getting filmed I grabbed my skateboard and walked over to Fuckshit who was now sitting against the wall smoking a cigarette. I sat next to him and he immediately gave me a cig and the lighter. I put the cigarette between my lips and lit it. "So, Flame," Flame is the nickname he gave me because in his words, I'm hot and hot tempered. "what have you been doin'? We haven't seen you in a fuckin' week. Only ray has seen you." 

Ray is my other best friend. He helps me through everything and is also patient with me. He's the best.

What happened was my brother kicking the shit out of me and my little brother. Depressive episodes while on drugs that my mom doesn't even know about.

Ray is the only one who knows about my brother beating on us, not the drug thing. He thinks ever since I went to rehab I quit. I was a few months sober until two weeks ago. I Probably only told Ray about the beatings because he's the only one who's calm and can listen the best. I could never tell Fuckshit. He can have a temper. In eighth grade someone pushed me against the wall in not the...best manner and Fuckshit saw, so to the kids demise they got whacked across the face with a skateboard. It broke it in half but he was happy to see the kids nose broken.

Because his skateboard broke, I gave him my old one. He still has it and skates with it. I'm surprised it's not fucked up by now. 

"It just wasn't the greatest week." It's not like I lied to him. I had a depression episode for the whole week and now I'm fine again. He nods understandingly. "That sucks. I'm sorry. How come Ray has only seen you? We could've all helped you." Shit. Right. Ray has only seen me. 

"I wasn't at my house. I stayed mostly at his the entire time. I was wandering around and found his house and decided to go. My mom didn't know where I was and he helped me." "Why didn't he tell us?" "Because I told him not to. I got home last Friday and my mom then grounded me for the rest of the week. That's why I wasn't there this last weekend too." 

All of it was true. I did stay at his house and did get grounded. But what I didn't tell him was after my episode, instead of finding his house and deciding to go, I ran to Ray and he cleaned me up after Ian had delt with me and everything. 

"Okay, I understand." 

We finished our cigarettes and heard the old guy from his shop next to ours yelling and coming out with the broom. "Get the fuck out of my store! Where's Ken?" Ken is our boss but he's like never here. I get up. "Up your raggedy ass you old man!" "Oh fuck you bitch! I fought in a desert storm you fuckin'--you fuckin' pussies!" He stuttered. It was hilarious. I laughed with Fuckshit. Ray comes up and says, "Go back inside man," Calmly. 

Fuckshit grabs his board as the old man walks inside and throws it scaring the man. "Fuck you!" Fuckshit yells laughing.