bipolar baby/mid90s

The party

As we all sat on the bus, I saw Fuckshit take a bottle of his ADD medication out and he started to smile. I kept looking at the bottle, wanting to just take the whole thing for myself. I felt an itch start to crawl up my arms and I started to scratch my right forearm. "Ay, put y'all hands out." Fuckshit said. I was confused until all the boys, except for Ray, took a pill. Fuckshit looked at me and then smiled. "Put your hand out." I saw the small pill in his hand and my body and mind was begging for it. "Ay, stop that shit," Ray says. "You know she just got out of fucking rehab, she wanting to get better, you aren't helping with that. Fuckin stop." Fuckshit put the pill into his mouth and swallowed and then put away the bottle. I sighed in relief, the itching started to go away. I stopped scratching myself. Suddenly there was a large red mark on my forearm. 

I got up and then sat away from Fuckshit. Ray was right. He wasn't helping at all. I'm so fucking stupid. Why did I have to fall for him. The one guy who fuels my addictions. I look down at the dirty bus floor in sadness. You know what, I don't care if he gets with another girl at the party. He can have her. I just want to get better. That's all I want. If I end up relapsing, I might end up trying to end my own life, and it succeeds this time. Death will finally take my hand and I will greet death like an old friend.

We finally got there, all the guys decided to skate outside for a little while before going in but I went in. I saw Esty and smiled at her. She ran up and gave me a long hug. "Y/n, I missed you so much. Are you okay? How've you been?" She asks smiling pulling away from the hug. "I'm doing better. How have you been?" "I've been good. I'm so happy that you're here." "Me too." 

Later on into the party all the guys walked in and everyone was having a good time. I didn't drink anything because I wanted to stay sober, I didn't have any problems with being an alcoholic but because I had problems with drug abuse I didn't want to get drunk and then not have any sense to not do drugs. I was sitting on the couch talking to Ray, he wasn't drinking either so it's been a pretty nice conversation per usual. He always has good things to talk about, it's never negative with us. 

I look over and I see Fuckshit talking to this girl. It made my blood boil. It made me sad. It made me confused. What made the whole thing worse, he gets up with her and they go into another room together and shut the door. Tears start to go down my face. "Oh no. Y/n." Ray says solemnly, seeing what happened.

My heart feels like its squeezing, my chest feels tight, and my lungs feel like they're closing. I choke and more tears come. I get up quickly and leave, I hear someone following me but I don't care who it is. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to sink into my own agony and rot.

I grab my skateboard and suddenly someone grabs my arm. I look back and it's Ray. 

"Y/n. Let's get on the bus it's not safe." "No, it's fine. I'm just going to skate home." "Well can I go with you? It's late and I don't want you getting hurt." His eyes were filled with sadness and guilt. Why would he be guilty? He didn't do anything. 

"Okay. You can come with me." 

---

We ended up skating to the school and we were both sitting on the steps. My head lay on his shoulder and I cried as he held me. "I wasn't enough for him." I choked. "Y/n. Your enough. He's fucking stupid. He lost an amazing girl. I'm sorry." He says softly. I look up at him. "Why are you sorry?" "For breaking up with you. I truly love you and I feel if I hadn't broken up with you, then this wouldn't have happened." "Ray," I sit up and turn to him and I place my hand on his cheek. "If you hadn't broken up with me, then I wouldn't have realized how horrible he is and how great you are for me." "But I feel so guilty..." "Don't feel guilty. None of this is your fault. You didn't know what was going to happen. It's okay." I give him a hug and he hugs back tightly. 

I feel like such an idiot. Fuckshit is horrible. He feeds into my addictions and I just let him play me right then and there. Me and him. Done.