bipolar baby/mid90s

All my fault

My eyes fluttered open to see that I was in Fuckshits bed, with him lying next to me, and I was in his clothes. I sat up slowly and I had a major headache from when I had cried. I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare, I was crying so hard. Luckily he was there to comfort me.

I stood up and went back to change into my old clothes that were now washed and in the dryer. Thank god.

I changed and looked into the mirror once more. I looked really disheveled. My eyebags were bigger and my face was more sunken than usual. I'm really fucking tired.

I walk back out to see him...making his bed. No way. I didn't even know he did that. "You make your bed?" He turns around and laughs. "Why are you so surprised?" I give him a look and he laughs even more.

When he finished he sits back down on the bed and I sat next to him. "We were planning on skating today again. Wanna go? You can do whatever." "Yeah, I'll go." "So...can you tell me exactly what happened last night? You were really upset. I get that you got into a fight with your mom and the plate that broke. But tell me everything. Only if you're comfortable with it."

So I tell him. Everything. Everything I said, everything my mom said, and everything I had done. He hugged me afterward and told me it's gonna be okay. That he will help me through it. I was happy that he would. Deep down I wished that I went to Ray about it. I feel horrible now. I felt like I cheated on Ray, I know I hadn't EXACTLY but it was the feeling that burdened me. I told him that I would go to him for everything but I didn't this time. Maybe I thought that he wouldn't care about it. No, that's stupid. He does care.

I looked up at Fuckshit who looked down at me. "How come you didn't go to Ray about it?" That was a good question. "I don't know."

----

All of us were out skating and it was a really nice day. Fuckshit kept keeping away from me. I don't know why? Was it because I stayed over?

He was smoking on the curb and I sat down next to him. "How come your ignoring me?" I asked, getting straight to the point. "I'm not." "You haven't said a word to me all day. You've been walking away from me." "I feel bad. For Ray. You didn't go to him and I feel like it's my fault." "It's not. I just...I ran and you were the first person I thought of. Why would it be your fault?" He sighs and went quiet. "Y/n, I really like you," Fuck. Really? "and I understand why you picked Ray. He doesn't get drunk, doesn't get high, and doesn't help you feed your addiction as I do. Every time we party together or hang out we are always high, it isn't healthy, so I really understand...but he loves you and you shouldn't have come to me as you did..." Fuckshit goes on a rant.

"Hey, hey, stop," I cut him off. "I really like you. Okay, I do. I also like Ray. I genuinely just went with whoever came to me first. But now I realize it is a mistake. I should've gone with who I personally wanted and..." "Would you pick me?" He took a puff of his cigarette and blew it out into the air.

"Would you?" Ray said, coming into view. I shot my head up. "What?" Was he listening? "Y/n, It's a genuine question. I know you don't love me like that." I stood up. "No, I do. I do-" "Y/n. Stop." Fuckshit stood up. "Don't make this worse Ray." Ray shook his head. "No. She loves you, okay? I can see it. It hurts me every time I see you two look at each other knowing you can't have each other. I know you went to him first anyway. Your mom called my house when you ran and I was the one who picked up the phone." "Ray, I do love you. Really." "I know, but not in the way you think. We need to break up."

"What? No, Ray, please don't do this." "I'm sorry y/n." Fuckshit sighs and puts his head down, not liking this moment shared between the three of us. Ray walks away and I stand there in shock and slight anger. I sit back down on the pavement and put my knees to my chest wrapping my arms around them, and putting my head down. I make no noise and I don't cry. Fuckshit sits next to me and started rubbing my back. I shrug him off and put my head back up. "Are you okay?"

I wanted something. I needed it. Bad. I needed something to numb my consciousness, my body, my face, and my head. Everything.

That's when I started crying. I wanna be clean. But something keeps clicking that I feel I can't control.

I lay my head on his shoulder. "I wanna be clean but I can't do it." I sobbed. Our friends were ways away from us so they couldnt hear us.

"It's okay. What do you mean?" "I feel like it's my fault. It's all my fault." I keep my arms wrapped around him and he did the same to me. "No, flame. Its not your fault at all. How could it possibly be your fault?" "I screw up everything," I let go of Fuckshit and looked right at him. "I fuck up relationships, I fucked up my family, I already fucked up my health, and I made my fucking dad leave. Everything is my fault. My mom was right." "Baby, no she wasn't. You don't screw up anything. None of it is your fault. It just happens, what's going on inside your head making you fuck up your health isn't your fault, it just happens, bad things happen to good people y/n, and you didn't mess up your relationship with Ray, you liked two people at the same time, it's completely normal, and you did not make your dad leave. He left on his own will and he obviously make a fucking mistake because he missed out on the most wonderful and beautiful girl you will ever see. So please...be nice to yourself about all of this. It's going to be okay."

Holy shit.