Love Is... (Part 1)

Have You Felt This Way Before

Radio City Music Hall
New York, New York
Friday, January 26, 2018
(6:00 pm)
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Stevie Nicks sat in the makeup chair backstage and tried not to be visibly angry.

She'd never promised not to be angry, but just not to look angry. In roughly an hour she had a speech to make, and she wasn't going to let Lindsey get to her. Not tonight. It would be disrespectful to Tom and everything he'd ever stood for. Tom Petty had been a musician's musician, and not a man who carried energy.

He had been gone three months and sometimes it was still hard for her to even breathe when she remembered that.

She looked over at her reflection in the mirror. You're going to turn seventy this year, she told her reflection. Your mother was seventy the year you reunited with Fleetwood Mac for the tour...and reunited with Lindsey too...for awhile...before returning to Arizona with your heart in pieces.

She still felt sorry for all those late nights and cups of tea as Barbara had tried so hard to help her look at the bright side of saying goodbye to him again.

Barbara had been gone seven years a month ago and Stevie still hadn't found the bright side to the abrupt end to her hope and happiness.

"You'd better hurry up if you're going to get to the red carpet interviews." That came from Karen, who entered the dressing room in her usual all-black attire, long dark curls twisted up into a clip, radio at her hip and mic attached to her face. She held two enormous Starbucks drinks in her hands - her hot macchiato and Stevie's iced tea. Stevie nodded a thank you and began sucking on the green straw; her lipstick wasn't on yet.

"Do I have to stand next to him? I mean, Jesus, isn't there any other lineup?" She couldn't trust herself not to make things worse by giving Lindsey a comeback that would make things worse under her breath as they stood together and were photographed winning an award associated with one of the best friends she'd ever had.

"So you'd rather Mick tower over you and bring too much humor to the shot?" Karen tried to make light of it, sipping her macchiato. The truth was, she was angry with Lindsey too. It had been just about thirty years since she'd been working for Stevie, and before that she'd been close by as her sister Kelly had been Stevie's assistant, and Lindsey's moodiness and sudden pretentiousness in professional matters had been making her angry for about as long. Her mind turned to the fight he'd had with them over mixing time at the studio during Say You Will, now living in infamy on the internet in the Destiny Rules documentary. She remembered Stevie sitting cross-legged on the couch staring into space, wearing red leather pants and petting the dog, trying not to blow up at Lindsey - which she had later on in the kitchen as the crew caught the audio.

They hadn't caught any footage, however, of Stevie trying not to cry on the drive home listening to Earth, Wind & Fire's "After The Love Has Gone" and closing herself into her bedroom at seven o'clock at night to cry.

"Maybe he'll get better once you guys are out there," Karen offered. "Maybe he's just being a perfectionist now...you know."

"Or maybe he's just an asshole who will never get over it." Stevie shot Karen a knowing look.

Karen looked at Stevie, who was having two large curlers removed from the top of her head. Stevie didn't need to elaborate. Karen had been there for all of the "almosts", all of the stolen moments and wondering what they meant...

And she had been there in Arizona the day that "almost" had finally happened, when fourteen years of longing and tears and pushing each other away and clinging to each other again had finally come full circle, and Stevie had let the biggest tragedy she'd suffered in years send her into Lindsey's arms for comfort that had turned into much more.

"Hey, kid, it's on in, like, five minutes."

Mick Fleetwood popped his head through the doorway. He was dressed in full Mick Fleetwood, complete with hat, and Stevie couldn't help but grin. He loved nights like this.

"I'm getting there," Stevie told him, and he nodded and dashed off down the hallway. Stevie giggled after him. Now THAT is a friend, she thought. That's what the problem is...Lindsey and I keep forgetting how to be friends...probably because we know we both want so much more.

When she was out of the makeup chair and Karen began walking her through the hallway and out to where the press was waiting for Fleetwood Mac to talk about winning Artist Of The Year at this year's MusiCares event. Stevie could just make out Lindsey in the distance - his gray hair and black blazer - and she somehow knew she'd have to check her emotions as she had been for forty years and stand beside him, smiling for the cameras. She was fuming at him, at his barking orders at engineers about using "The Chain" to play them onto the stage, at being rude to Karen, at him not answering her or anyone when they asked why Kristen and the kids weren't with him in New York for the occasion.

Mostly she was angry at a little over six years ago, in a bedroom in Paradise Valley, Arizona, he had held her trembling body close in his arms, looked into her tear-filled eyes and promised her that no matter what happened and no matter who else they lost along the way, she would never be alone.

Stevie was surrounded by people and she was about to perform for and give a speech to even more...but standing next to Lindsey and posing for photographers on the red carpet a few minutes later, she had never felt more alone in her life.

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