word count: 961
again whoever you want them to be
#angsty #butsweet
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It really is not always that friendships go the way you want them to, definitely not. Not with you anyways. There's always a motive when people want to get close to you, sometimes even psychological problems? You really don't understand what you might have done in your previous life to deserve this kind of treatment, but at other times you just think this might be your fate.
Things never looked up for you in that aspect of life, y'know, being wanted and cared for, in a platonic way. Mom died giving birth, dad blamed you, older sister blamed you. Kids in your schools blamed you; you clearly were a freak, they didn't need to know what really happened.
You blamed yourself. Your brain didn't care what happened. You clearly were undeserving of anything good in life. At least that's what dad kept telling you.
Now you were in university and you finally got away but you also couldn't. You had moved out of your family house but what you didn't hear from your sibling, you thought yourself. The stares you used to get in high school, your mirror gave you. It was suffocating so you just spent time mastering dissociating.
In the end you found peace in lying to yourself. You let boys that want to get in your pants hang around you, you at least had someone to talk to. There were ones with saviour complexes too,... nah those ain't it you got away, fast. You weren't dumb y'know but at this point, you were numb. The ones you allowed near you felt like ghosts, you felt like you were floating, and drowning. You were there and weren't; the loneliness you tried to escape, you've confined yourself in. There were ones that cared for you but you drove them away, you weren't used to it and it scared you to death.
Except for two boys. They truly tried to be there for you, be your friend, but you drove them away. Because you knew they loved you. Love love you. Not some dirty kinda love either, it was all you wanted but also so far from it. It wasn't dirty but it wasn't innocent either. Feelings like this demanded work and patience. And I guess confidence too.
Believing that you couldn't reciprocate those feelings made you feel so guilty. And even if you did you would be terrible at it, you didn't learn how to be loved or to love. You couldn't even manage the simplest acquaintanceships nevermind a whole actual serious friendship. There being two of these boys didn't make things easy either. Did you have that much love to give?
And the worst thing was that you actually cared for them, like you've even admitted it to yourself at this point. The way they didn't give up on you and kept showing they cared, shoved it in your face one might say, your heart couldn't help but melt a little. Healed a bit. Shaked your learned instincts and woke you up. And changing was so goddamn scary. Like super terrifying.
It didn't come easy to you to decide to speak to them about what has happened, been happening. It was ingrained in you to not ask for help. You couldn't when you were alone. But you gathered all the courage in you to try. You couldn't miss this chance. So you called them up.
It was a quiet night in your dorm room. You told about your family, the bullying. They listened carefully. You sipped some of your tea. You explained how it shaped you. They stayed silent, but not still. They scooched closer to you on the couch. You couldn't bear talking to them face to face so this was the solution they came up with. You told about your social decisions, the mental state that caused it. One held your hand and one held your arm, and you took another sip.
And you told them you cared. You cared for them, you cared that they cared, That you were thankful but that you also felt just so indebted. They stood still. You told them they were free to leave, that you couldn't ask for more, you didn't deserve to. They sat with knitted eyebrows for a while and put their heads on your shoulder. "We don't care, you deserve it all, more than anyone really, it's about time" one whispered. He was trying not to cry. The other nodded firmly, tears collecting in his eyes.
"I'm just not sure about anything right now, I really don't know if i can do things right, this is a whole new thing and i'm scared" you mumbled as your voice cracked. "I'm scared"
The boy who already started crying hugged her hand to his chest, "You don't have to get anything right. You're trying and that's huge for you, and quite enough for us."
"Yeah, that's why you have us, we're here for you" the other chimed in.
Your mind was running rampant "But what if i can't do it, I- what if I really want to give up?.."
"We'll still be here. Shhh..." The boy sat straight to pull her into his chest and held you for a while. When he let go he held your shoulders to have you look into his eyes. "Drink some more of that tea and breathe, you'll be okay. You'll be okay, we're here."
Your whole body was shaking, as if you were giving an allergic response to feeling safe. You squeezed your eyes to get rid of the blurriness and let out a shaky breath. You held your mug with both hands against your chest to feel the heat. And in that moment it seemed, that things could indeed be okay.
