I Could Live Without You, but i can't

Chapter One - Window Talks

Why are school walls always so bald? In elementary school they're flooded with pictures and paint and then in high school they're humdrum. However, it pictures quite well the people which go to this school. In elementary school everyone is exited to learn and intend to find themselves and friends. But thanks to a shitty school system and teachers who look like they hate their lives and everyone in it, those happy, hopeful children become broken, depressed teenagers.

Peter looks away from the bald wall and goes a few steps into the corridor, away from the room in which two people, without being able to know, brake his heart. While he's slowly walking forwards, his white coat moves to the rhythm of his steps.

He can't prevent a warm tear from running down his throbbing cheek. It's truly a wonder, he thinks, how many tears you can loose, because of one person.

Again and again he thinks about the other Peter and MJ. How they hold each other and talked without saying a word, was like a kick in the stomach for him.

He thinks about Gwen. He always thinks about Gwen. During the day he thinks about every word they exchanged, every time she looked at him, every time they touched. And at night he dreams about how he ruined everything, how he wasn't able to safe her.
He doesn't know what hurts more.

Peter fast gets into one of the class rooms and opens a window. He has to quickly think about something else, or he will completely lose control.

But whatever he does, her face just isn't leaving his thoughts, she is always there.

"Hey man, are you good?"

Peter quickly cleans his face from the tears and turns around. MJ is standing in the doorway.

"What, no, yeah, I'm okay." Peter avoids her gaze. He just can't look at her right know. Even though MJ bears neither Gwen's name, nor her face, it's insufferable.

"Okay..ehm... Peter... ", she thinks "my Peter says that the analyses are all going well so far."

"Thanks for letting me know." Peter turns to the window and closes his eyes. Then he feels how MJ is standing besides him.

"Wanna talk about it?"

Peter waits, then he opens his eyes and looks at her. "What do you mean?"

"Gwen."

As soon as he hears her name, he feels a sharp pain in his chest.

"I'm sorry."

It looks like Peter's face said more then he intended it to, because now MJ is regretting to bring up Gwen.

"You don't have to apology for nothing... It's just.." Peter thinks of a word that describes what he's feeling, but he doesn't come up with one. He's not even sure what he's feeling. He's not able to classify it, but it is something between guilt, loneliness and grief.

"How was she like?" MJ looks at him sympathetically.

Peter usually doesn't open up to strangers. But something about MJ makes Peter feel like he could tell her anything without being judged.

"Gwen.." Peter looks down. Saying her name out loud is enough for his eyes to get wet.

"She is.. was.. just incredible. The smartest person I know, she always knew the right words at the right time. She never let someone who needed help down and gave everyone, even if they didn't deserve it.. a second chance. No matter how bad I felt or how injured I was.. when I looked in her eyes I knew everything was gonna be alright. I just had to look at her and all my problems felt small. She gave me hope.. she was my hope. And she was beautiful. The most beautiful human being there ever was and ever will be."

Peter looks at MJ, who now as well has tears in her eyes. "She sounds amazing." Peter smiles. "She was."

"What.. what happened?" MJ pronounces each word carefully. Peter's lips lose their smile and he looks out the window again.

He waits till he answers. " I.. I should've saved her, I thought I could... but.." Peter feels how tears are running up his cheeks. The falling parts of the clock, the tearing of the net, her scream, everything is replaying in front of Peter's eyes. MJ is putting her arms around Peter to hug him. A soft, calming embrace.

"She fell.. When my net got to her it was already too late." MJ lets go of Peter, to look deep into his eyes. "Listen carefully; It wasn't your fault." In the last sentence she is pointing out every word. Before Peter is able to say something, MJ repeats. "It was not your fault. You wouldn't have ever let her die. You did everything you could.. only sometime that's just not enough."

A few minutes Peter says nothing. Then he slightly smiles. "You know, you remind me of her." MJ returns the smile. For a moment they're looking at each other, then Peter looks out the window again. "I just wish I could see her one last time. One last time see her smile and sparkling eyes." MJ now looks out the window too.

After a while, the Peter whose from this universe comes into the room. "Almost all the antidote's are ready, it really could work!"

MJ turns to him. "That's great!" She turns back to the other Peter. "Will you be alright?" the way she said it let Peter know, that if he's not going to be okay, she will stay with him. "Yes," he says, nodding to her. She smiles softly and then leaves the room with her boyfriend.

Again Peter turns to the window and looks at the lights shining in the darkness of the night. Then he closes his eyes and imagines her face. But it loses color and the features of her face begin to move. He quickly opens the eyes again and pulls his mobile phone out of the coat pocket. He turns it on and opens the gallery;

He's smiling at the picture.
A while after that he puts the phone back into the pocket.

Then his face loses all color and he stumbles back a few steps.

Where?

Everything he's able to think about is this question: Where? Because now he realized, that all this time he didn't see the obvious.

He'd met himself in this universe. So maybe, no he thinks, for sure she must be here too. Somewhere in this world must be a Gwen Stacy. The only question is...

Where?