polaroid. | alex turner

part 04 ; yes to heaven.

alex's pov.

i listen to 'yes to heaven' by lana del rey. i remember the first time i heard you sing this, and it sounded absolutely gorgeous.

every time lana sings 'i've got my eye on you' all i can think about is you, because in reality i do have my eye on you.

i keep 'yes to heaven' on repeat and i trace my fingers on your smile on every picture. i can't wait to feel your beautiful lips on mine once more.

i open a drawer and find even more pictures, and most of them are you. i pin them to the board. my eyes jump from picture to picture as lana starts singing 'i've got my eye on you'.

i can't help but smile and sing along with lana as i look at all the memories that i have now rediscovered.

i snap out of my thoughts as i hear my phone ring, i answer it and i hear your angelic voice.

"hey alex, i was wondering.." your voice trailed off and i gripped my phone tighter as you fell silent. i bit my lip until i felt pain, and then you finally spoke up. "never mind." you say and i can feel my heart drop into my stomach.

i nod, trying to shake off the uneasy feeling of suspense. you hung up, and the feeling of uneasiness only grew more.

i stopped putting 'yes to heaven' on repeat. and suddenly, 'fallen star' by the neighborhood comes on, and i clench my shirt, putting more wrinkles into it as my chest begins to feel heavy.

i'm starting to doubt that you like me back. there's no way. i'm a stupid teen who has acne and a squeaky voice. my hair is always a mess and i'm always having a laid back approach to my studies while you're over here with all the a's on your grade and you always look so put together and beautiful and mature. i'm nothing compared to you. i'm worthless, really.

my heart drops even more once these two verses come on. i'll probably be able to shit my heart out after this.

"You're in my DNA, I can't keep away no matter how hard I try
You're runnin' through my veins, something I can't change
That's the same reason why we're
Further apart, the closer that we are
I'll keep you far away, from me like a star
Hard not to fall for you, I gave you all my heart
Further apart, the closer, the closer, the closer that we are"

i squeeze my shirt even more as more painful verses keep coming up. i close my eyes, fighting the urge to turn the music off because this is my favorite song.

"2020 hindsight, lookin' from a distance, now it's clear
Went and found the limelight, wasn't in the vision to disappear, no
Now I'm in a new place, I can feel the room change when you're here
Had to run and do things, never meant to leave you in the rear
You're always in my brain, and I take the blame
No matter if it's wrong or right
I'm on a one-way train and it's far away, but you're still on my mind"

after that, tears roll down my eyes and i notice how crazy i've fallen for you. i can't help it, but the feeling of losing you over me having a stupid crush on you haunts me.

why would you like me? i was a friend after all and that kiss probably was just something you do normally to friends, and possibly other boys.

more tears come out. i can't believe i'm crying over you while you could be out kissing other people.

you drive me so crazy, drea. i can't believe that i'm so in love with you, and i've never been this in love with you.

i feel like such a wimp, crying over you. but i can't help it. you changed my life, but you probably never noticed ever, and i probably never changed yours, because i'm nothing compared to you.