my wings don't spread like they used to

CHAPTER ONE: THE FUNERAL

as a summer baby, i've always hated the cold. it lingers and manages to find a way to overpower the warmth of the sun. it makes everything darker faster, and i am terrified of the dark.

it's safe to say my grandmother's funeral wasn't a great day.

to be fair, she had died in december, so a winter funeral was only natural considering the circumstances. it didn't make it any better. to top it off, i wasn't in the right mind to pick out my outfit, and i had long forgone "fancy" shoes. it was filas and boots for me these days.

now when most people think of losing a parent, especially a grandparent, the primary emotion is sadness. but that wasn't true for me. i avoided being alone with her, i despised being with her, and i certainly didn't like her. i still loved her, which feels hypocritical in nature, but i did.

on january 3rd, my mother woke me up at 7:15 am on the dot to get ready for it. she was almost dressed, which didn't surprise me since my family has always been early risers. it made my chest tighten to think that the family only consisted of her and me now.

i didn't linger in my sadness for long. i never do.

to be completely honest, i don't remember the funeral, and i don't try to. remembering my grandmother is too hard these days, and i don't have the energy to prove my memories. i don't have the power to cry. somewhere along the way, i was swept up in a current of emotions that only left me feeling hollowed and dried out.

even more honestly, i don't remember the year's first half. sometimes it's because of the cold that i'm not able to. the cold found its way to my brain and slowed down its processing. however, even i'm not that oblivious. i didn't want to remember the first half of the year. i didn't want to remember that i had lost someone who i loved and hated. i didn't want to remember that cold day on january 3rd. i just didn't.

instead, i distracted myself with anything i could get my hands on. it ranged from drinking during the day to watching shitty movies every day to avoid confronting my emotions. from the time i woke up until the time i had to go to sleep, i was never sober. i barely ate. i didn't have the social battery that i possessed 1 or 2 years ago. i was always angry, sad, or numb but never happy. to be honest, i couldn't see why anyone put up with me. i was lazy, irritable, and overall absent. not in the sense of my body, but in my mind. but maybe i was a better actor than i thought.