How To Not Be Like Me

Chapter 1 - I am dying

"It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me."
-Edgar Allan Poe

The context of this chapter is not related to that poem. It's just that every time I start to write a book, that line always crosses my mind. Like, I have to start my story using that, "...many and many a year ago...". Now, as I read that again it feels so wrong in all ways. Many and many a year ago? Is that even correct? I can't remember my English teacher correcting that. All they did was make us memorize it. That last line is also so wrong. What. Annabel Lee lives with no other thought than to love and be loved by Edgar Allan Poe? The nerve of that guy. Now, I want to hear the side of Annabel Lee.

Anyways, my goal here is to write about my life before my time on this Earth is over. Which I believe will not be far from now. I have reason to believe so, but I will not disclose it in the first chapter, because then, you wouldn't be interested to read anymore. Not that I think my life is very much interesting for you to spend time on. There are just valuable lessons I might share along the way, you never know. So, indulge me.

It is important to note that in less than a year, I would be turning thirty years old. You might say, only thirty years old, so young to be thinking about death. To tell you honestly, I have been thinking about death since I was 21 years old. Why? I don't know. I just can't remember being so morbid before I am twenty. So, I guess it started when I was 21.

Every Christmas Eve, I would lay in my bed and invite anxiety by thinking that it would be my last Christmas and I might not live on New Year's Eve. Then, my breathing would be heavy and my hands sweaty because of the anxiety. So, I would feel like I'm dying for real because I couldn't breathe well.

Come New Year's Eve, I would also think I might not last the whole year ahead. Every. Fuckin. Year. That is what I am.

Crazy, right? Well, this year I have valid and not imagined reasons to believe I am really dying. But, since I have been thinking about death for seven years now, I feel numb to the idea of it. I don't feel anxious anymore. Year after year, I am becoming less and less scared of the possibility of it. In any way possible. Accidents, illness, lightning strikes, name it. I am immune to it. In the midst of all those years, I befriended classic stoic personalities and of course, I made Socrates my best friend. You know his famous line, but for the purpose of word count. I'd say it here. Socrates said that death is the greatest blessing a human being could ever receive. And, I have become a believer. Truly embrace it. As a matter of fact, it makes me feel calmer. Makes me less jittery on my travels. Makes me say yes to challenges. Because anything can happen. And, the fact of death is around the corner is always there. Wherever we are. Whatever we do. So, might as well experience living life.

A little about Socrates, although I'd like to believe you know about him already. He believes that souls are immortal, eternal, and separate from the body. He believes that when a human dies, he will be free from the impurities the body has done and his soul will be liberated and transcend into a pure and dauntless spirit until it finds another body to live in. That's why when he met his end--a death penalty because he was found guilty of "impiety" and "corrupting the young"--he administered his own poison (hemlock plant) and calmly embrace his death.

That's all on Socrates as this book is not about him, it's about me.

As I write this part, I am sharing my bed with my older sister. And, right now, it feels so wrong on so many levels. I am 29. She is 31. Why are we here together? Aren't we supposed to be in each other's house or maybe out partying with each other's friends? Or somewhere other than here, but separate. Like, having our own lives. Living independently. Talking only when we need something from each other, like, of course, money. Seeing each other only occasionally, i.e., death of a relative, a marriage of a close kin, Christmas maybe. But, there was no occasion and we were together, sharing a bed. We have been seeing each other so often, almost every day, and it just shows how I have achieved nothing. I should have been in my own apartment, alone, sulking, contemplating my business or what brand of car to upgrade, or where to go on vacation next month.

I believe, from my own tangled point of view, at 29, I should be an accomplished person already. At age 30, I have proven how good a life I have, and how successful I have become, and my parents all settled in a simple but beautiful house. I have a legacy.

Where did my dream go?

Oh, wait.

There is no dream. I didn't have a picture of the future I wanted for myself. I never had a dream board. Nor a timeline of my life.

When I graduated from college, I applied to every job opportunity that came to me and settled in one company that contacted me first and stayed there until now.

While in that job, I didn't dream of anything too. I just wake up every day, get to the workplace, do my tasks, go home, sleep, and go to the office again. I have been doing it for seven years. And, despite how much I loathed my workload, some of the people in my workplace, and being so stuck, I didn't dare leave. I stayed. I seriously stayed literally that I didn't go on any vacation. I didn't bother pursuing higher education. For 7 years, I woke up and simply tried to survive every day.

Now, in the midst of dwindling health, financial insecurity, no own housing, increasing debts, and impulsive purchasing, I am starting to create what I want to happen in my life. What I should have done in the past 7 years.

I am starting to dream. Starting to picture the future that I want for myself and my family. Now, I realize how much time and money I have wasted on irrelevant things. Things that couldn't make my future bright.

I am starting to dream and I am dying.

This is the story of my very unlucky life. Not a destiny. I refuse to believe that. This is all a product of my choices in life. This is the path I blindly and stupidly took.