The Dragon in the North - Aemond Targaryen

6.

TW: Self-harm, suicidal ideation 

4 weeks later – King's Landing

Vyara's POV

I look at myself in the mirror before I dress. I can't quite believe the transformation in myself physically. The concoctions the Maesters make me drink 4 times per day have put the weight back on and I look healthy for the first time in years. My breasts are full again and my hips wider. My face is rounder, and my bones aren't protruding. I finally have some physical energy which I have lacked for a long time.

My hair is as long as it has always been and my eyes as bright, the things that have never changed. I squint at my scars with disgust. The salves the Maesters have given me to apply twice daily have taken away a lot of the damage, they are fully healed and the horrible scabs gone, but I cannot get used to they look on my body. I have hundreds of lines in odd patterns across my torso and legs, only missing my face, neck , wrists and feet. They fill me with bad memories. I take my eyes off my body; I despise looking at it. I look at my fresh self-inflicted wounds on my arms, which give me a strange sense of satisfaction.

I instruct my maids to dress me. The Queen has been extremely kind to me and provided me with a beautiful wardrobe, most of it in Hightower green, which suits me greatly. There are some pieces that I will not wear, as they reveal my scars. I choose one that will cover me fully, as I do every day. The maids put my hair in the Targaryen fashion, which is foreign to me, curls flowing down to my hips but half up in intricate braids.

I look at myself again in the mirror. I look the way I used to, I look healthy, no scars can be seen. I'm curvy again. In comparison to how I've looked for the last few years, I'm a picture of health. I don't look like I've seen a hard day in my life.

How little physical appearances matter. The dress, the hair, it hides what is inside. The concoctions hide the fact that I'm still not eating. I refuse almost everything. When I started eating, I realised I missed the empty feeling in my stomach and stopped again. At least with this, I do not feel faint. The Maesters and even the Queen, who has been very involved in my recovery, are trying to make me come off these and have a healthy diet, but I refuse.

I look at my eyes, the bags under them have gone. This would indicate health and someone who slept soundly. Another lie. I sleep every night now, and sometimes all day. I think I am addicted to milk of the poppy; I cannot sleep without it. I crave it. All I want is sleep and the sweet sensation of it lulling me away from this world. The Maesters try and take this from me too, but it is pointless as I will become more ill.

The weeks have passed by in a blur of misery. I have been depressed before when I have lost people, but I have always seen a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't now. I see no light. My favourite time of day is being alone and stripping the flesh from my arms. It is all that keeps me going. I don't know what my plan is, I don't know where my life is going. I want to curl up in a ball and die, and I think I may once this business is over with. No one will need me then, Rickon will rule the North, it will be safe. I have no reason to be here when that time comes.

I have had a small bit of happiness here. Everyone has been unrelentingly kind to me which I didn't quite expect. The Queen includes Arya and I as her ladies. She encourages me to spend time with them but doesn't make me perform the duties expected from her ladies. She doesn't make me engage and allows me to go to my rooms alone or with Arya if I ask. She checks in on me regularly, I lie and say I'm fine but I can tell she knows I'm being untruthful.

My cousin Rhaenyra has also been extremely kind, asking to spend time with me and seeing if there's any way she can help my mood improve. Even my uncle Daemon, her husband, has been kind to me, ensuring to tell anyone that will listen in my presence that I fought a dragon. I smile, but this story doesn't make me happy as he thinks it might, it makes me feel ill. Even Helaena, who is a little odd, had been sitting with me and speaking about her dragon Dreamfyre, asking questions about Azar. I haven't seen her speaking to anyone else, so I take this as a compliment.