Ten Years Apart

Chapter 4

I HATED IT WHEN SOMEONE WAS SHOWING KINDNESS TO ME. I feel like every person who shows me kindness has a hidden agenda. I'm more used to them looking down on me or avoiding me because of my behavior. I had always preferred it that way. I would rather choose to be alone than to be surrounded by kind people. It was because of what Nanny Theresa did a long time ago, I've had these inexplicable trust issues I kept carrying until now. It made me think that no matter how good a person was, she still had a hidden agenda to take advantage of me.

It's been a month since my special birthday celebration happened. I considered it special because it was the first time I celebrated it with the people I wasn't close with, in the first place. I am very grateful to Elmer's family, and of course, to Elmer himself. I celebrated my sixteenth birthday in a place I felt I was a part of his own family.

Also because of what happened, I felt uneasiness whenever Elmer was around. My heart will suddenly beat faster when we talk. I can feel something moving in my stomach when he laughs. His laugh was like music to my ears. Sometimes I'm just dumbfounded by him and if he doesn't call me, I won't realize what I'm doing. He would just laugh again. He is the one who is always smiling and laughing.

I wanted to be kind to Elmer. I want to repay the good things he has shown me ever since he started to work as my all around nanny. When I thought about the bad things I did to him, I felt ashamed of myself. It turns out that what I do to him is pure evil, nonsense and contempt. But when I think of being nice to her, I suddenly think of what Nanny Theresa did before.

Nanny Theresa was also kind to me to get my full trust. That was why I was still hesitant to be kind to Elmer. My mind was telling me: Elmer's façade was the only one showing. A disguise to gain my trust and hurt me. I knew I shouldn't be so judgmental, but I couldn't blame myself. These trust issues living inside myself were hard to die. I can't get it out of my mind that there is a big chance that Elmer is just cheating on me.

That's why I still treated him like that. I stopped wearing the necklace he gave me. What I always wear is the gold necklace that my parents gave me with a pair of gold earrings. I was glad Elmer didn't notice it. Or was he just pretending not to notice it at all?

What worries me most is how I feel about him. My heart would beat so fast whenever he was around. Sometimes I wonder if Elmer hears my heartbeat when we talk. It made me paranoid. There was a time that I hardly slept because of that. I always wonder what I feel for him.

I was not dense. I know these symptoms. These symptoms I was experiencing were the same in the romance movies I had watched, and in the romance books I had read. Of course, I'm in denial. I don't want to accept that I like him because of the goodness he shows me.

For anyone's sake, Elmer was a twenty-six-year-old guy while I, on the other hand, was only sixteen years old. There was a big age gap between us. A ten-year gap. Ten freakin' years gap. Not just one or two or three but ten.

Although our age difference didn't really matter at all, the problem is how Elmer sees me. If he sees me as a potential lover or he was just seeing me as his younger sister. Or maybe I'm just blind and hoping that there is hope because of the goodness he shows me? But what if those are not true ¡he shows? damn I seriously had trust issues.

I doubled down on Elmer. I want to -set aside my feelings about that. I hope that if I show him more and more that he is annoyed and annoyed with his character, he will stop showing kindness to me. These feelings would only lead to nowhere. I know I will only get hurt if I hope. What I need is a man my age. Not the man ten years older than me.

"Pssst!"

I stopped drooling when I heard someone whistle at me. I was on the balcony of my room, trying to shrug the thoughts off my mind.