THE CERTIFIED GOLD DIGGER

"You may kiss the bride" the priest said.

I looked down at what or let's say "who" was supposed to be my husband. Well, I said "what?" Cos he was more of a what than a who.

He was Tade, a once agile and ruthless man but still terribly wealthy. Now, he lay on the bed at the mercy of monitors and wires plugged to his nose and hands and everywhere, in fact he was more vegetable than vegetable itself.

I leaned forward and pecked his forehead, pretending to cry as I sniffed and dabbed my eyes. His sister, Aunt Joyce, came to me and held me closer to her as we both stared at the man lying down there.

"He will love you Salome" she assured me "He never loved anyone, but nobody can resist loving someone like you"

She was in her fifties and plump like a well fed goat. The way she tucked me away in her armpits that smelt of deodorant with a flavor of lime made me gag, but she was a millionaire and nobody, not even me with my low key background of gold digging could gag while being smothered by a millionaire armpit.

So I just very gently pulled away and smiled around at the family of the man that has fast become my husband. Within me, I was happy. I had in fact made it.

We all walked outside to entertain some guests out of the hospital room. For what we were celebrating, I had no idea. The groom of the day was half dead and I? Well, by saying "I do" to him, I was halfway rich. In fact, if he as much as took his last breath this minute, I would be millions of dollars richer. And what is more important than money? Nothing my dear... nothing.

"Love" my best friend blurted beside me as if she had heard my thoughts.

I turned to glare at her, tearing off the veil from my head. The many ornaments on it made it too heavy and made me sweat. I opened the can of malt in my hand and took a long gulp, then belched. "Love?" I huffed "that means a whole lot of things for many people"

She lowered her voice "And for you, it meant marrying a half dead man?" Rosie said in disbelief.

"A man in a coma" I corrected.

"Sounds about the same to me!"

I rolled my eyes "Why do you suddenly behave like this is your first time of hearing about this? You were literally my chief bridesmaid"

"Because I didn't want to fail you Salome!" She said, looking around "These are dangerous people, you can't get away from this"

I chuckled "Get away? I don't plan to. Come on, these is more than a million dollars with my name on it. All I need is for the lord to call back his soul and I'm rich"

She leaned closer to me, a look of worry vivid on her face "And then what? You can't leave here, it's not possible" she chipped in, as if I didn't know that already.

I rolled my eyes. Sometimes, I didn't really like Rosie. I mean she was such a good girl.

Good girls like her liked to take the long decent roads. Sometimes,  my mum... late now... said we were two ends of a sword... one side blunt and the other two edged sharp.

I was beginning to believe her. I mean Rosie had been in horrendous relationships, and after each one, she put on her cape and entered into another... as if she was superwoman for toxic and broke guys.

I exhaled.

If something was going to be toxic, maybe it might as well come in wealthy. She didn't think like me and it bored me out sometimes, but she was still my best friend and I loved her.