Snow Place Like Home

Chapter Twenty-Six

Jason

"What are you doing in the hospital? Are you okay?" she had the nerve to ask.

He had to fight the urge to laugh. Was she pretending to be concerned about his well-being?

"Fine. Just brought someone in. You work here?"

"Yes. I got my nursing degree a few years ago."

"Congratulations. That's great."

He hoped he hadn't sounded sarcastic. It was true he never wished her any ill will despite what she did.

"So, what are you doing now?" she asked.

"Are we really doing the small talk thing?"

Her face fell at his words. "I know. I owe you an explanation."

"Yeah. But it's about seven years too late, don't you think?"

"Jason, please. My shift is over in twenty. Can you meet me at the bar across the street so we can talk?"

Jason considered it. He wanted answers, but was he ready to hear them? Did she need to list all the reasons she left him and didn't think enough to call or check on him for years? But curiosity got the better of him, and he agreed to hear what she had to say.

He headed to the bar, and it wasn't long before Alicia walked in. They ordered a couple of drinks and sat in silence. Her fingers played nervously with a loose thread on her coat sleeve. Their drinks arrived, and Alicia began to sip hers, but Jason left his untouched.

"First, let me just say how sorry I am for how I left things. I've never been good with confrontation."

"Right."

That was an understatement, but he decided not to be snide. He wanted her to finish.

"It wasn't about you. You must know that. You were so wonderful to me. You loved me so much. More than I guess I deserved. But I needed more. You were so excited about the wedding and our marriage. Not once did you get cold feet. I felt bad, having so many doubts. I tried to talk to you once, but do you remember what you said?"

Jason shook his head.

"It was two weeks before the wedding. I asked you if you were sure I was the one. You told me, 'of course, Lish. Who else is gonna put up with my snoring'?"

"That's why you left? Because I made a joke?"

"No. Because in my heart, I knew I wanted more than someone who settled for me and who I was settling for. We were each other's first everything. Never dated or slept with other people. It was hard to imagine life without you because you had always been in my life."

"What is so wrong with that?"

"I needed to find out who I was outside of us. Outside of you. What I wanted to be and do. Not just Jason's wife and eventually mother to our children, but something more."

"I get that." And he did. "But you could have told me that. I wouldn't have tried to hold you back from your dreams. You didn't have to disappear. I thought I hurt you, did something terrible to make you run from me."

"Nothing could be further from the truth. I loved you. But I know myself. If I had told you what I was feeling, I would have let you talk me out of leaving and convinced me to stay. I knew I wouldn't have the guts to look you in the eye before walking out the door."

"A courtesy call still would have been nice. Seven years of silence, Lish?"

It had taken him years to accept the fact that she wasn't ever coming back. He sure as hell could have used some kind of closure. Instead, like an idiot, he'd left the door wide open for her.

"You didn't deserve it. I stayed away because I was trying to be strong and stick to my guns. If I had seen you or heard your voice, I might have come running back. I know it wasn't fair to you. It was selfish. If I'd written a letter, you'd track me down and try to win me back."

He sighed heavily, somewhat relieved. At least he knew for sure he hadn't been the one to drive her away. They just weren't right for each other. Eventually, he would have arrived at the same conclusion, but it likely would have happened years after they'd already been married.

"You're right. I probably would have done that."

"I'm sorry, Jason. So sorry I hurt you."

She put her hand on his, and he felt nothing. He gave her hand a gentle pat with the other before letting go.

"I forgive you. I did a while ago. But it's nice to hear the words."

Shonna had been right. He needed to have this conversation with Alicia. It was like the heavy fog that'd been clouding him since their wedding day had lifted, and he could breathe easy for the first time in seven years.

He smiled at her. "Are you happy?"

"Yes," she said with a great big smile on her face. "Are you?"

"I will be."

They talked a while more, and Alicia told him about her husband and two kids. Jason talked about his inn and partnership with Rigby. For some reason, he even told her about Shonna.

"It can never work out between us."

That didn't stop him from wanting to try, but what could he do if she didn't feel the same way.

"You can't give up. If you truly care about her, Jason, don't let her get away."

The words sounded strange coming from the woman he had let walk away, but they held a different meaning. His love for Shonna differed from what he'd had with Alicia.

Alicia was his first love. But she did have a point. It was all they had known. They hadn't experienced anything or anyone else. What he'd experienced briefly with Shonna had more excitement, more passion, and more fire than anything he'd ever had before.

Alicia was comfortable and safe, what he'd grown accustomed to. They knew each other inside and out. It was familiar. Their life would have played out like his parents, growing up living in the same neighborhood, surrounded by the same people for the rest of their lives. At the time, it was all he ever wanted. Now, he had a taste of something else, something more, and he could never go back to wanting that for his life.

He enjoyed running his own business. His partnership and his friendship with Rigby wouldn't have been possible had he stayed in Anchorage and married Alicia. Maybe they could have been happy, or maybe she'd have resented him. Maybe he would have ended up wanting more than she could give.

All Jason knew now was that her leaving was the best decision, and it was what he needed, too.

Seeing Alicia now, he knew he'd always care for her, for her well-being, but he didn't desire her. And he wasn't in love with her.

He was in love with Shonna Jackson.

That was clearer now more than ever. And he wasn't going to let her walk out of his life forever. He was going to make her fall in love with him if it was the last thing he did.