I've always questioned death - its nature, what it really is. Every sit down I've had with that question was therapeutic because I had my ways of finding an odd comfort with it...with the idea of death. I couldn't bare it at times, but I knew there was something greater to look forward to. A second chance maybe. I once again found myself questioning death though my thoughts had been suppressed by a ringing headache, the smell of smoke and a red ribbon. I closed my eyes slowly as if I had been letting go of something. Something of great value. It was as if I simply...slipped away.
Then there was nothing but pitch black. Anxiety spiked through my being and I had no directions to follow or a focal point to concentrate on. I felt lost. A sudden wave of ability struck me - as if my body was telling me I could finally do things. I wanted to get out of the darkness and so I finally opened my eyes. I was overwhelmed by an inky cloud that seemed to plague my entire view. It took me several seconds to realise that I'd been staring at a ceiling. My eyes rolled around as I brought my neck down, carefully scanning my surroundings. I was in a room. The interior was empty, gloomy and composed of concrete walls and floors. I felt cold and alone, yet I was not scared. I couldn't identify a single window, but I was easily able to spot a wooden door as if it had been emphasised by the darkness. I walked toward the door, my feet making no sound at all on the floor. My left hand shook with slight hesitation as I reached for the knob. I gripped it tightly and turned it slowly. Every second felt like regret for some reason, but that didn't stop me. I opened the door, and stared down an incredibly long, off-white hallway. I couldn't see the end of it and the air was nearly suffocating, but it was not dark. I just wanted to get out of the concrete room, so I proceeded to make my way forward.
As I crept down the hallway, I heard whispers shooting back and forth between my ears. The voices were all so very familiar, but I tried to ignore them. My peripheral suddenly brought my attention to a shape that had formed on the wall to the left of me, as if out of thin air. I looked in it's direction to see a fancy frame containing a portrait of a child in their mother's arms. I took a step closer to the portrait to see the child's face clearly. My eyes felt heavy at that moment. A mild sense of fear and confusion kicked in. The hard brown eyes. The wavy black hair. The single dimple. I was the child in the picture. A mirror lost to the ages. I turned away from it and another portrait formed on the right side of the hallway. It was me once again, but this time the event was more vibrant. I was older and surrounded by friends and kin. My chest was pounding at this point. I continued down the hallway, my pace increasing as pictures began to build up on the walls. I kept going, pacing through my life. I caught glimpses of moments I wished to relive and moments I wish I had never lived. The whispers seized. All I could hear was my own thoughts. This time they were pure - not supressed by any interfering elements. No distractions except for my life being materialised to my left and to my right. My thoughts raged on : Did I live a good life? Did I do everything I could possibly do? Did I have more to achieve? Was I happy?. It was as if those questions had been forced into my mind, but they were my own thinking. My own questions.
My final thoughts.
I began running in a crazed frenzy, but it felt as though I'd been trying to get away from myself. The portraits didn't stop and I noticed myself getting older in each image. I then found myself sprinting, whizzing past the images as my life flashed before my eyes. I could hear the images. The laughter, the groaning, the crying...all of it. I looked ahead of me and finally saw an end to the hallway. It was a door as white as snow. Before I knew it, I was standing infront of it, but surprisingly enough, I was not panting. I was not tired from my efforts to reach the end. I didn't pay much attention to it and tried for the doorknob. That's when another frame formed to my right, but it was empty. I stared at it for a while and once again felt myself slipping away ever so gently. I saw pitch black again.
I opened my eyes and was immediately blinded by blue lights and deafened by concerned crowds. I was in a road. I saw an ambulance and stretchers, an empty body bag and red tape. A small group of people had gathered behind the tape and were looking at something catastrophic, judging by the atmosphere. I traced their gaze to two cars, heavily damaged, but not completely destroyed. One flipped and the other upright. I made my way to the car which stood upright almost involuntarily. I couldn't feel myself walking and there was no air brushing against my skin. I felt ethereal. I looked into the windshield and stopped for a moment. I was then struck by a short ringing headache and the smell of smoke. I looked further into the car and saw a man with his head rested against the steering wheel. Blood flowed down the left side of his head like a long red ribbon. The scene was rather obscure and I couldn't make out much. A bright light suddenly took hold of my sight. It intensified until I was completely blinded. It eventually dimmed and I found myself back in the hallway infront of the white door. I turned to the frame and an image began to form. I could see it all so clearly. It was the man in the car, his head resting on the steering wheel. It was me. It was my final portrait.
I didn't feel anything at that moment except for a wave of finality. I was over and I had come to terms with it. I looked at the rest of the hallway behind me and watched as each portrait disappeared into nothingness. I looked to the final portrait, it's opacity decreasing ever so slowly. When it had finally vanished, I turned to the white door, realising all that I had left and all that I could have left. A wave of warmth and comfort washed over me as I reminded myself that death is not everlasting. It happens once, and what happens beyond is my concern and mine alone.
I turned the knob. As I opened the door, a sheet of light swallowed me and I left the hallway with no turning back, forever closing that white door on the only life I had ever lived.
