This is not the first time I'm attempting to write about myself. Often times when I do this, I'm just lonely. Which is what I am most of the time really. In my head I keep thinking that this will make a difference and that this might help me. Then again how do I know if it will when I don't even know whats wrong with me?. I think that I read way too much teen romantic novels and that I watch way too much movies with cheesy romantic endings. There is nothing wrong with reading books and watching movies. However, there is something wrong when one thinks that life will unravel just like in the movie or in the book. Terrible beginning then the exciting plot leading to a happy ending. My mind is set to where I think that I am in a movie and I try to act like the characters in all the movies I like. I try to live by their quotes, try to have a personality similar to theirs, try to look at life the way they look at it- basically Ive just been trying to be these people from all of these beautiful novels and movies, assuming that maybe I can do it well enough that Ill also have their ending. I think I just dont know how to be me.
I keep craving change. I really want change. I keep pushing change upon myself that its working but not how I want it to be. What do I want? I know that I have changed but I also know that Ive never been so lonely in my life. I will read this on a good day and cringe because I percieve things in such a twisted way although I'm sure and I am positive that I am not the only human who does this.
I have a loving, supportive family and friends and I am very aware that I am fortunate to even have just that.
I just want to be happy with myself. How do I do that?
-May 14, 2015 11:40 pm
