Brie Gets tha D

Chapter Ten

Brie fidgeted in the chair. Her therapist, Kamlah, had asked a question and she was putting together the words to convey her emotions.

"I've been thinking a lot about what my cousin said about doubt. How 'when you give all doubt the same response, it becomes fear'. With my ex, Noah, things weren't right for a while. I doubted my life with him, I really did. And my mom knew. She noticed it. She used to say, 'you need a boy like Deon'. And now, look at us. Me and him are here. And it worked. I knew I cared about him... but... everything was so intense, like I couldn't breathe... which is the same feeling I get about my mom."

Kamlah pushed the bridge of her glasses up her nose and nodded. She tilted her head and implored Brie to continue.

"So it couldn't be just normal doubt with Deon if it's the same feeling with my mom."

"You felt fear over your mom's grief and then fear over Deon and what could be."

"But was it just fear? I mean, how does it look that she can't be here now to even tell me she was right about Deon? And I'm supposed to just go on, living life, falling in love, like nothing's changed, like she didn't matter?"

"Living your life and falling in love is not the opposite of your mother mattering, Brie. Your mother matters to you AND you're a woman who deserves to live life and fall in love. Both those things can exist at the same time. You're allowed to be happy. You deserve it."

"I was happy... with Deon," Brie said, shaking her head. "It didn't feel real."

"What didn't?"

"Everything with him. It doesn't happen in real life."

"And yet this is your life and it is happening as we speak."

"Yeah but it doesn't happen..." Brie's voice trailed off.

"To you?" Kamlah leaned forward and looked directly at Brie. "Why doesn't it happen to you, Brie?"

"Because... I'm... "

Brie experienced a weight that made her body sag in sadness. Her eyes journeyed downward, from Kamlah's knees to her shoes.

"...I can't have kids. Conceiving and carrying to term will never happen for me." Brie sniffled and wiped at her nose. "And as much as people act like it doesn't change you being a woman, telling someone you're infertile... it changes things, the way they see you."

"Did you tell Noah?"

Brie nodded.

"And how did he react?"

Brie didn't respond. She couldn't speak around the knot in her throat while her mind replayed telling him. Noah had been nice, said all the right phrases. But Brie had seen a spark extinguish in his eyes. He had been disappointed. She tried to ignore it. She stayed and planned her life with Noah. Eventually, she couldn't ignore the signs that Noah felt he'd settled. She had been the one to end it, but she had been crushed.

"Not well," spit out Brie through clenched teeth. She hated how inferior her body seemed. She especially hated how inferior it made her feel about herself. She stared blankly at her lap.

"And this was the same night you started having sex with Deon?"

"Yeah."

Kamlah took a moment before speaking. "I understand your fear. Telling that to someone you love, after having done it already and it not going well? That is difficult and hurt-filled. But what if you ended something bad for you with Noah on the same night that you may have started something amazing with Deon? Something hope-filled. You can be a woman who is unable to conceive AND be a woman who deserves love and happiness."