Gone.

XV

FELIX

***

After leaving Ethan's, I walk to the park near the house. The thought of being in any sort of enclosed space made my chest feel like it was going to explode. I sat on the swing set, swinging back and forth slowly, toes skimming the ground.

I was a fucking terrible person. I could never quite explain why I said what I said. At the time, it had all just felt like too much. I sighed and ran a hand over my face. Being a piece of shit person was just something in my DNA, it came naturally to me, like breathing. I didn't even have to think about my words before they were spat out of my mouth like acid.

I stared at the greying sky before shutting my eyes. I wanted to imagine the sky falling on me and my body getting swallowed by the clouds and I could just keep floating untethered into space.

"Your daughter is close to failing many of her classes."

I sat slumped in the chair, my dad sat next to me. He had his glasses on, the lines on his face looked so prominent, I felt as though I must have time-travelled years into the future.

"Failing?" His voice sounded like the tie he had on was too tight.

The principal cleared his throat. "Given her past academic record, many of her teachers are worried about the trend they have been witnessing in her grades."

The look on my dad's face was neutral, but I could see the way his hands clenched and unclenched the armrests of the chair. Strangely enough, the thought of failing all my classes and flunking high school didn't fill me with the sort of dread I knew it should have. All I wanted was for this conversation to be over so I could tuck my brain back into sleep.

"Now, due to the extenuating circumstances that faculty and staff have been made aware of, Felicity's teachers are going to allow her to turn in her work late and allow her to retake some mid-semester exams."

My dad nodded, "that will be greatly appreciated, thank you. And Felicity and I will work hard to get her back on track, right Felicity?" He turned fully to face me. His gaze was soft, and I felt the maggots in my stomach squirm and wriggle.

"Most definitely," I agreed.

After the meeting with the principal, I found myself walking a few steps behind my dad as we made our way to the car. He walked with his shoulders pinched together as if his spine had a rod through it, his arms moving stiffly at his sides. 

"Felix," he sighed once we got into the var.

I clenched my jaw. I hated his voice like that, so soft and quiet as if he were trying to soothe a feral cat.

"What's going on with you?"

I shrugged my shoulders, and my dad ran a hand through his hair.

"I've been trying to give you the space you need to grieve or to do what you need to do, but I think we need to have a real conversation about what's going on with you."

I tried to contain an eye roll, my emotions rolling over me in different waves as if my body was a hurricane of negative emotions that were threatening to rip me and everything around me apart.

"Felix, please talk to me."

I couldn't look at him, so I stared at my hands instead. If I looked at him, if I even tried to explain a single feeling I had--I was bursting at the seams and everything would come pouring out of me until I was a cup that had been knocked over.

My dad sighed, leaning back in the driver's seat and he tipped his head back to the roof. I turned my head slightly to look at him, and it was then that I realized he was crying. I felt something in my body twist and pinch painfully.

"Dad?" My voice was soft.

He closed his eyes, "you can't go away, Felix. I know it's been hard, but we'll get through this together." He paused, inhaling a shaky breath. "Just talk to me, tell me what you need, and we can figure this out."

A lump of words was forming in my throat, a boulder slowly inching upwards to my mouth. I bit my lip. I thought about lifting the lid from the box I had neatly packed away like the trunk of winter clothing we stored in our attic. If everything came out, it would never fit back in. And yet, there was a part of me that wanted to rip the lid off and finally allow myself a full breath.

I inhaled deeply through my nose, feeling sick to my stomach. "I think I'm a bad person and I want to die."

My words seemed to echo and reverberate against the sides of the car, the space suddenly feeling especially tight.

"I've been ripping out my hair, and I don't know why." I pulled my beanie off my head, the same one I had given my mom when she was in the hospital. It was silent. It was like I was talking to myself inside the car, but I refused to look at him. I didn't want to see the emotions that may or may not be playing themselves across his face.

"And, the day of mom's funeral..." I paused, the tears feeling hot against my face. "Ethan spoke to me and—and I told him I didn't have time for him. That's why he hates me. That's why he--" I let out a strangled sob and when my dad wrapped his arms around me, I buried my face in his chest.

"I'm such a terrible person and when I had to talk at mom's funeral I just pretended that I was sick because I was too much of a coward to be there for her and do the speech. I failed Ethan and then I failed her, too."

My dad pulled me away from him and held onto my shoulders, his hands feeling firm and solid. "Felicity, you did not fail anyone."

I felt my body begin to shiver. I felt the heat from my dad's hand as he gently rubbed my back.

"I'm here for you and I'm going to do what I can to help you now."

I started sobbing again. My entire body was shaking but I felt a sense of lightness; like, mixed in with my tears were all the horrible, negative feelings I had built up in my body that were being released. The whole time my dad held me. And in that moment, there wasn't a single place that I would rather be than in my dad's beat up sedan in the parking lot of my high school.