My Confession

13/12/2022

Yesterday I have an argument with my parents. It happens during my semester break. For your information, I'm in a pre-med programme but that does not guarantee whether I will enter med school or not. Unfortunately, I can describe myself as weeds meaning that no direction. That's how I ended up in this pre-med programme. So during the argument, there is something that was playing in my mind.

Am I that failure? I know I did not manage to do well during high school. I even got 6A 4B 1D in my national exams. Yeah, that sucks. I know I disrespect both of my parents. I'm using harsh language on them. I kept rebelling against them. I'm too ego to apologise even in my foundation year now I got an average result for all the assessments. I'm sorry I cannot be the best. I know you wish for me to enter MBBS but what if I can't? I prayed I do sins, I ask for forgiveness then I do the sins again. Does it worth it for me to become a doctor?

Am I worth it? What happened if I lose my passion for studying? Why do I feel like I want to give up and just disappear? Why don't I like to stay at home? I told them I cannot study at home because I like to study at school. I know it's just an excuse for you not to study at home. I give excuses that I cannot study because I need to babysit my brother. Childish isn't it? Yeah, I know I'm childish but what can I do? I just can't. I just want to take a diploma, but they said you're the eldest and you should be on a fast track before a degree. So, what should I do? I know I need to stop whining because it's my fault btw, but I just feel that I need to keep expressing, and confessing. I can't share this problem with my parents they would think I'm spoiled. Did you say I never tried? Plenty of time....

Lastly, maybe I influenced myself to have a luxurious lifestyle instead our family is not that rich. We were in a state of poverty but I managed to have like every day eating branded food. Yeah, that's my fault too. I think my problem is that I never am grateful for what my parents give to me. I never acknowledge their effort. I don't know I just feel like I can't. I can't give them full marks. I can't give them 4.00 flat. I can't just. What should I do? Now I feel so childish for commenting on this. I know there are a lot of people who suffered more than me. Yet I kept whining about this trivial matter. I don't know I just want to keep sharing,

I tried to not compare myself with others, I'm tired of trying. Tired. I'm tired of being compared. I'm tired of my mom saying I'm ungrateful. I'm tired of hearing my father say I'm an idiot. My sister is better than me. They accused me I didn't do any chores instead I've done everything. They accused me I'm playing around with men instead I never ever talk with men during my class. I just hate it. I have thought about suicide but did my problem really solved when I suicide?

-Tuesday, 10:30 pm. 

-p1eunchae