Searching For Myself

Chapter 1

I'm not the same person I used to be.

I'm not sure anyone is. If we were to look at ourselves through the many vignettes that possess a thousand words of the person that we used to be and hold a symbol for the person that we have become.

Sometimes, we cringe at the trendy poses that we held in our photographs, shaking our heads at the fashionable styles of the era, but what we miss is the fact that these pictures are a gift to ourselves. Even though there are figments of the past that we wish to change, a moment that is photographed is a moment that is to be cherished. When we travel back in time using the photos to provide a momentary flash of a time that once was, it brings an influx of emotions: sadness, happiness, excitement, warmth, love.

That is what makes our species so amazing.

There may be times that we can't control our feelings, but that's what makes us human. Emotions are not something to shut off- they are privilege. 

I've never been good at hiding my emotions. My responses to the things I like and dislike are obvious as my facial expressions give my inner thoughts away: whether that includes my face lighting up or an obvious scowl that takes over my visage. 

An obvious explanation as to why I am a terrible poker player.

Even five years on, I can't control my reactions.

It has been five years since I blindly began to learn to myself- not understanding the whole process that was set out for me. Looking back, I'm pleased with my trajectory, although it has taken the form of a whirlwind. There were instances in which I was dragged around with the wind itself, caught up in the emotional sensations and moments where I could stand in the eye of the storm and reflect on its immense power.

Initially, I foolishly believed that I had the ability to control the hurricane and where it led. My ego was filled by the fear of regret, my own feelings of anxiety forcing me to push the winds away and make it disappear. Now, the storm is almost fading as I complete this segment, this chapter. I only wish I had known before that there was no need to control the path of the tornado- I just had to let it be.

I couldn't always be in control.

And I had to learn how to be okay with that.

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Our whole lives are mapped out for us the moment we are born.

We're told from a certain age that we are to follow the stances of our fortunate academic predecessors and hope to achieve everything out parents were unable to: the notion of their sacrifice allowing us to do all the things our caregivers weren't given the chance to.

We know we have nursery, primary school, secondary school, college, university, job and death.

We also know we have dating, engagement, marriage, children and death.

It seems so easy when it's written down on a piece of paper- something so attainable and easy. In some ways, it's like researching the likes of Piaget, Vygotsky and Freud creating an infrastructure which informs our parents of our development and if we have reached the relevant milestones at the correct time in our lives. 

But is that it?

Who is to say that we are going to follow the paths that have been laid out to us by a society who doesn't care about us? A society that expects everyone around them to conform to their silly idea of what is normal and what isn't. A society whose very foundation was founded by patriarchy.

There are some lucky people who are able to shimmy of the designated path that life has outlined for us and were able to creat their own paths, taking a digger and concrete and making a road in a place where there wasn't. They are the lucky ones as they find ask the important questions. The questions that some of us aren't fortunate  enough or too scared to ask.

Who is anyone to tell us who we are? What we can attain? What we can be? 

They can't.

Only we have that power.

Everyone has their own paths. Our brothers and sisters and cousins and other family members have their own lives which are entangled with our own. That does not mean that their hopes, wishes, dreams and aspirations mirror our own. It means that they have their own lives and it is their duty to live their lives to the fullest. Just as it is ours.

There are times that we look around at those around us: some of them have got university degress, some of them are married with children, some of them own their own companies. Everyone is doing well so why is it that we put so much pressure on ourselves to find love. Has Disney officially screwed up the millenials with ideas of a prince whose only quality is to be charming?

For me, I've always loved the idea of someone who wanted to stay with me, not someone who felt that they had to or needed to. In order to do that, I have to search for myself because of the dreaded question we ask ourselves as time passes us by, it's elusive rays illuminating a recurring question in our minds. 

'Who am I'? 

And the answer to that question is, I have no idea.