Letting Him Go {Calum Hood}

Prologue

I picked up the pen, and with a sad heart, wrote:

My Dearest Calum,

I remember that night clearly. You talked about her at times, but God, you acted like you wanted me more. You kissed me like you needed me, as if I was oxygen. Your hands ran up and down my delicate, scarred skin, and I really thought you loved me. We played truth or dare with our best friend, and when he asked you who you loved kissing, you nudged me but said her.

Then I confronted you about it the next day. You acted like it was nothing, and I did too, but you can't expect me to really mean it. You know I love you, why'd you tell me to forget about it?

How am i supposed to forget the feeling of your rough hands on my soft skin? Tell me how to forget the taste of your lips, cause I can't seem to do it to save my life. We continued on pretending, and I watched you love her, but you didn't touch her the way you touched me. Somehow I knew that it wasn't the same.

Even though I said I'd forget, I still feel it. I get the weird feeling in my stomach whenever I think of us together. The way you pressed your stomach to my back. Or the way I tried to scoot away to get some air and you'd pull me back, closer than the last time.

You're driving me crazy, Calum. Seeing you and Amanda together feels like one thousand knives stabbing me, over and over. I can't do this anymore. You pushed me to insanity. I need to make the voices in my head stop. It's your fucking fault that I'm crazy.

I'm sitting at my desk with a hand full of pills, vodka and regret on my mind. This is it, Calum. The voices, they're finally going to stop. Aren't you proud of me? I'm taking control for once. This is a good thing. I won't bother you anymore, and I won't have to think about everything that's happened between us. It won't haunt me.

I wish we didn't meet each other. Maybe I wouldn't be so crazy. I might have a chance of being normal. You ruined me, and I want to hate you, I do, but I can't seem to do it. God, you're such an asshole.

I hate you. But I don't. Because I love you, but I want to cry every time I'm around you. I hate the me that I've become, and it's the result of you.

I want to tell you to not feel guilty, but you should. You played me for a night, while you had a girlfriend. You hurt me more than I could ever hurt myself. I loved you. I think I still do. But I hate you so damn much.

I'm so confused, and everything is spinning now. Must be the vodka. Time for the pills.

Goodnight and goodbye.

-Bella