Poppy (SH CalTex)

Fair

Tennessee and I walk through the mall together, neither of us talking much. Tennessee is another close friend of mine, but I'm hesitant to tell him about Cali. Number one; he's the only bisexual guy in our tight-knit southern group, and I know he'd be very antsy about me coming out so he wouldn't have to be alone (which I get, but I'm not at all comfortable even thinking I'm gay...); Number two, Hanahaki is deadly. Tennessee would be heartbroken knowing I might die, and I don't wanna see him cry.

"Tex, you ok? You seem really sick... I can drive ya back home again, if ya need...," Tennessee said. I take a deep breath.

"I'm ok... hey, Tennessee? I have a really... weird question... so please don't be weird about it...," I say.

"Huh? Oh... ok? What is it?" Tennessee asks. I take a deep breath.

"So... I... I'm not gay, or like... anything... I dunno... I think I...," I stutter. He stared at me expectantly, and I just decide to let it out... "I am hella into Cali... I want him to like... like me.... But I'm not.... I'm not gay... y'know? And I don't want to pretend to be gay just to get him to like me, but... I dunno...," I say. Tennessee chuckles, and I feel a wave of embarrassment crashing down on me.

"Ok, lemme try to interpret this... you like a guy, and want him to like you. However, you don't want to be what people stereotype gay people to be, you just want to be you... but you don't know how to be you and date a guy at the same time?" Tennessee asked.

"I.... Kinda? I just feel like when you say you're gay, people expect you to start waving flags around and be all... open and stuff... I just don't want to, because... I've never considered myself gay, I just suddenly fell for a guy, y'know?" I say. Tennessee nods.

"I get it, you don't have to be super open about your sexuality, it is your business after all. Buuut if you want Cali to like you... you kinda have to tell him you're into guys to some extent," Tennessee said. I groan.

"I wish I was charming enough for him to just... like me already," I say.

"Tex, a lot of gay guys have had feelings for straight guys. Most of them are polite enough to just try and get over it. Maybe Cali already likes you, and all you need to do is say you like him," Tennessee said. I take a deep breath, and try to ignore the discomfort in my throat.

"It's just a bit complicated... thanks for being chill though... I half expected you to start cheerleading over having another... 'gay' southern friend," I struggle to say. Tennessee smiles understandingly.

"The last thing I wanna do is make your sexual preference a big deal. For some people, they like it when it's a big deal... but not everyone. And I would never forgive myself if I embarrassed you into denying your feelings," Tennessee said. I smile, feeling a bit better than before.

Soon, the rest of our group meets up with us, and we walk around together. We get caught up talking and laughing in our own groups, but I can tell Tennessee and Louisiana are trying to get California to mingle with us. They try every conversation topic to lure him... movies, celeb gossip, social media trends...

So far, nothing is working.

California is just sashaying next to New York and Arizona, smiling and laughing along to the story New York was telling. Me and my friends banter probably isn't even reaching his jeweled ears... I know he made those earrings himself, he's such a creative guy... and that choker he has on perfectly compliments his beautiful neck held in perfect posture....

I'm fucking hopeless, aren't I?

"Hey Tennessee... I'm thinking of gettin' a horse. I know I probably don't have the space, but I dunno... I kinda miss bein a cowboy," I say, trying to feel normal, and pretending I'll live long enough to even enjoy being a cowboy again. Tennessee smiled.