Endless

Parte 1 "Just Lizzy"

-Stop it!- I repeated -Stop it... Please, help him! Please... I just want to be happy.-

Nothing was the same, and it will never be. If it were to happen, i wouldn't deserve it. Not after everything.

My friends didn't speak to me anymore, they basically didn't care about me. My family wasn't there when I needed them, my parents especially. My grandfather died a long time ago, my aunts and cousins didn't want to know anything about me and so... I was left alone.

I only had myself at the end of the day, nothing and no one left. I never slept enough, and sometimes, I didn't even eat enough. I became isolated from society. I spoke less to people and at the end I couldn't speak to anyone about anything.

The thing was that I could speak, but not to people. If I did, I would always get mad and start shouting, crying. I had no reason to speak to anyone, so when I did, I thought they were just trying to understand me. But the thing was that no one could. Not even me. Time flew past, minutes, hours, days,weeks, months... And my body became weaker and weaker and so, time became my enemy.

It all started when my friend thought she looked fat. She thought people looked at her like she was a kind of "monster". She would cry in the bathrooms almost every day. Then she started skipping meals and it became worse as time went by. I thought to myself "Why is she doing that?, it's hurting her". "Is it my fault she feels that way about herself, her body?"

Not everybody started worrying about her until they noticed how thin she was. People kept asking me these awful questions like, "Did you know about this. " Didn't you think of telling someone about this?" "Why are you being so selfish?" "Isn't she your best friend?".

Was I supposed to know the answer to all these questions? Was I then the one who should say something to someone? Was I the one at fault? Was I being selfish?

Everytime I went to bed I couldn't sleep. Overthinking was my only hobby. I kept asking myself, "Should I've helped her in the first place by telling people?" "Would that help her?" "Am I a bad friend?" "Is it really all my fault?" "Why do people treat me like this? "Why is it selfish of me?" Why? Please, tell me.

After a few months I got a call from June's mom. She first asked me how my day was and how I was holding up. I always thought that woman was kind, too kind. She then started talking about June and said that she had been taken to a special center to be treated there. I was shocked when I heard this. She told me that it wasn't my fault and that I shouldn't worry about anything... That she was going to get better.

That day, after I left the phone on top of the table again, I locked myself inside the room. I didn't go to school. I stayed all day in my room crying my heart out. Screaming and sobbing myself to sleep. I reminded myself how before all that happened she looked happy. Yet, could she have been all that time treating herself like that since back then?

Just... Why? I loved her. Why couldn't she love herself just like I did?

"What if it was all my fault?" I thought at that time. I couldn't stop thinking of that, and tears used to stream down my cheeks. Days were awful, and still are.

Today I went to bed at an early hour and closed my eyes trying to sleep. Hours passed and I woke up. Nothing had changed, everything was still the same.

Weeks passed and there was no sign of June. People forgot about it, but that was all I could think about. All-day and all night. I started ignoring my parents and other friends, I just wanted to be alone all the time. I was so fucking tired of everything, mostly mad at everyone, even June.

" It wasn't my fault, she started everything, it's her fault!" "People think it's my fault, that's why they keep asking me these questions. They don't believe me. They just don't understand anything" I cried' " It's not mine, it was never mine... Haha" Maybe it was because of all the stress that I started laughing. Maybe it was because I really thought of it as a hilarious feeling.