The Gift: Inner Thoughts After a Breakup as the Holidays Approach

She was scared, but there was no other choice. Her boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend) had not contacted her for five months. He moved to his own apartment, said he needed the space and quiet to work on his project. But this was just an excuse. For weeks prior, resentments finally came to a boil. So of course, he moved out.

She noticed it was the middle of December, and Christmas was approaching. How lonely it will be without him, to be by herself. Christmas was never a big deal to her. She didn't do much usually. Christmas and the holidays were celebrated as normal days with her boyfriend, wherever in the world they happened to be in...Turkey, Thailand, Bali, Dubai. As long as she had him, it didn't matter what they were doing or not doing.

She considered buying a gift for him to show she still thought of him. The holidays were coming, it'll be so empty without him. How was she supposed to get through these times. She said of course I'll send him a gift. Even if they're not together, they can still be friends. What to buy? Maybe a stuffed Paddington Bear. Instead of the note that usually says, "Please Look After This Bear," I'll change it to, "Hope you have many happy adventures just like Paddington." He'd always thought he lacked adventure in his life, even though they traveled a lot. She ordered the bear online. When it arrives, I'll wrap it up, then message if he wants to meet up. If as she suspected, he didn't answer she'll just send the package to his apartment just like Amazon would.

She sighed heavily when thinking about it. It's been so long since I've been alone. I know enough of my spiritual teachers that rough times should be viewed as grace, as an opportunity to be awakened, to know but more about our habits of thinking, shine light on parts of us we couldn't see. No, this is a gift. I truly believe this with tears in her eyes. I know I can get through this and be stronger. I can't be crying and wallow in self-pity, she thought. I don't want to focus on this. Let's focus on all my blessings. It's nice I don't have to tiptoe around his emotions, avoid talking about certain things so not to upset him. He complained a lot how indecisive I was. I kept saying it really doesn't matter. Whatever choice we make, we learn either way.

In fact, when she looked at it more closely, he never took responsibility for his actions and choices. He was like this when talking about his ex. He was the good guy who loved too much. She was the bad guy (girl) who brought up too many concerns, didn't want to commit to him. When they first met, he was in a 6 year mostly long-distance relationship with his ex in China. It'd been ages since he'd heard from her. Over time as they warmed up to each other, he revealed she only wanted to live in a country where they spoke her mother tongue; had questions about his unstable lifestyle; flaked off possibly getting married, didn't tell him that the government would not be issuing new passports thus she couldn't leave the country and visit him; still posted on her social media even though she hadn't contacted him in ages.

Her job took her to a place in China with a lot of ex-pats. He wondered how that would affect her. While having dinner outside in the dark where he couldn't see you directly, he told you he cried over the phone a few times, realized he still loved her, tried sending flowers on her birthday. You were touched he was pouring his heart to you, it sounded all so romantic, and you began to fall for him hard. You wished someone could be that...what's the word, emotional toward you. Despite the fact you knew this wasn't true love, but a very narrow concept of love called romantic love that is of time and space, that eventually will end.

But this was not the time to say this to him. He just wanted someone to listen without judgment, empathize, see his POV. He didn't need a spiritual therapist. Was he even open to what Ram Dass says about romantic law? When you fall in love with someone, you're saying you are the key that unlocks the place in myself where I am love. I can't get there myself so I need you. I not only love you but hate you because you have such power over me. That's romantic love. That's the subject of innumerable poems and love songs.