MarJanSki (English)

MarJanSki

Until the age of 18, you experience a lot of things. Even as a child, I was separated from my parents because I had a disease that all the experts in the place where I lived did not know how to treat. So I had to go far away, to the place where I got help, but my parents could not follow me. It was 4 long years that separated me from them. I was always allowed to see them in between, but the parting was as hard as a final goodbye.

Of course, I was not aware of the reason for my stay far away from my parents' house. But in such a childhood and with a somewhat...overactive head, one tries to remain somehow nevertheless master of the situation. So my head did something wonderful. It created a place for me where I was no longer alone. Thanks to my childlike imagination, I could make various cartoon characters from film and television as real as I wanted. Of course, it was all in my head. The real world outside could not be changed so easily. But my ability should never leave me beyond this lonely time and I was grateful that I could hold out until I was reunited with my parents.

On the outside, I was the shapely boy I had been raised to be over the past few years. But I was screaming on the inside...for recognition of the pain and grief I had to endure in the absence of my parents as a child. But no one took any notice or had much interest in that. Instead, I continued to be treated. This time over a shorter period...but again away from my parents. I did not know where everything should lead, what was my task as a child?

I lost myself again in one of my fantasy worlds, to bring also this time without problems behind me. But as I grew older I noticed how life kept passing me by and I asked myself more and more what the meaning of life would be if I couldn't live the way I wanted to...with my parents? Without them, at my side, I hoped that at least the good Lord heard me...and I was heard. The pain of separation that had lasted for years had now come to a sudden end when it seemed that my treatment was no longer necessary. I could finally return home to my parents.

When I was living with them again, I enjoyed the first time with them. I had experienced so much during these years and I wanted to share it with my parents. At the same time, however, I was reluctant to remember this period of my life without my parents, now that I had them back.

My childhood fantasies were no longer necessary since I was back home with my parents. But I realized that because of the long separation period...we had somehow become strangers to each other. I was back home...but somehow...it didn't feel that way anymore. My parents seemed grateful and curious about the things I could experience over the past few years while they were away, but they seemed quick to push those memories away. I didn't know at first if they were trying to stop mourning the childhood they had missed...or if they had simply grown too tired in my absence to stand by me again, as they did back then.

As time went on, I realized that we were growing further and further apart. I sought more privacy and my parents did the same. Communication was more and more limited to a minimum, rarely talked or ate together. The working hours of my parents made it difficult to do something with them during the days. And when I tried my luck in the evening, when they came home exhausted...I got their divided attention which was determined by the TV program.

As I grew older, external influences also weighed on my mood. I had to face more responsibility to dare the first steps in normal life. I was curious about how normal life in society might be and tried to prepare myself as best I could, because since I was living with my parents again...life had lost more and more of the glamor with which it shone in my childhood eyes at that time.

I tried to adapt now to normal life, whereby each attempt failed at first me something to build up. Since I had no clue how to proceed, I tried to listen to my gut feeling. I sharpened all my senses to understand the life around me and to fit in. But no matter where I tried to start, everywhere I got a bar pushed in front of the door and my perspectives reduced drastically. I realized how my view of the world changed more and more to a point where it only seemed cold and hard.