Musings, Fandom

Remus Lupin - from Harry Potter

Can you imagine? You can't. Not a frigging way. No one can imagine being Remus Lupin. No one can imagine what it's like, being a werewolf at such a young age. He joined a school positively sure that he would never, ever, be able to make proper friends there. Somehow, by some funny twist of fate, he ended up becoming best mates with three boys who seem to care. 

He was probably torn between indecision of letting them know because it is what friends are for, but afraid that they would not accept him. That they would tease him, and drive him out of the school. His utter fear when they finally figured out and cornered him. His resignation of having to leave the only place where he felt as though he belonged. His shock when they accepted him, told him they would do anything they could to help him. He, trying to stop them, because what if something went wrong in the process of them turning into animagi? 

He did not believe he was worth those three friends who risked everything for him. His few years of happiness, of belongingness, of joy at even Lily's approval. His slight remorse when he saw Lily and James getting married, sure that he could never have it, when his sheer happiness at seeing them united overcame that feeling. His joint happiness when Harry was born. The final act of including him when Lily and James proclaimed that it was, and I quote, "Pure and utter bloody nonsense, Moony! The fullmoon's ages away! How is Harry in any harm in the hands of the kindest person we know?", when he said he was afraid of holding Harry. His hidden joy when Sirius first acted as though Remus thought Harry was going to harm him.

And then slowly, his perfect world started ripping itself apart. It would mend, and then rip apart more brutally.

His shock and fear when Dumbledore told him the danger Lily and James, and more importantly, Harry was in. His frantic determination as he searched for more powerful charms to keep them safe. His remorse when he bade the Potters goodbye, unsure of when they would meet again. His internal turmoil at the news he heard following Hallows Eve. His scattered, scared, hurt, pained, broken, marred thoughts. His best mate and his best mate's wife had died. His best mate's son was now and orphaned prodigy, and all of this had happened due to the betrayal of another best mate, who had gone and killed the third, and then been captured and sent to Azkaban. His world fell apart. All of the people of his age, who trusted him, who loved him, who were his friends, had in one night either died, or turned out to be traitorous murderers. He lived in emotional, psychological turmoil for twelve years.

And then he was offered the post of the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher at his childhood school, which is happily accepted. He felt his roots becoming stronger again. His students enjoyed his classes, and made sure he knew this. His transformations were made less painful due to Severus's help. Most importantly, he had the chance of spending time with the boy he had babysat more than twelve years ago. He felt the closest he had to happy in twelve years, and then he took back the map he had helped make. And then he saw that they, or at least one, was alive. The traitor who called himself his friend for almost eleven years, who James had trusted more than any other, who had played a happy part in the murder of his friends, was dragging the man he had killed twelve years ago, into the shrieking shack. And then his world was uprooted again. Slightly better as it was this time, he felt horrible for having thought of Sirius as a killer, a spy. His anger caused him to almost kill Pettigrew, but Harry stopped him, and Remus felt as though he had seen a bit of James himself. A few hours later, when Sirius was safe, Remus felt guilty. His stupid, bloody transformations were the only reason Sirius was not a free man, but he overcame that after Sirius spoke to him. It was as it had been so many years ago. He telling them to stop risking it, and they saying that if anything that was out of hand was worth it, it was Remus. He felt happy.

He spent two years with his best friend. He could see the changes that Azkaban had sculpted into Sirius, but it comforted him that he could help Sirius become who he really was, slowly but surely. The soul was still untarnished, whole, just fighting its way out. And then the night in the ministry came. He saw Severus's patronus speak to him, telling him that Harry had gone to the Ministry. He had gone straight to the ministry, his best friend by his side once more, and they dueled with all their might. Only the both of them knew that they entered those duels not only for the sake of Harry, but also for James, for the bond of friendship between the two of them, for *revenge*. And then his worst fear came true. He saw his best friend fall backwards through a veil which he didn't understand, but felt the danger of. He saw Harry move towards the veil, and he made a split second decision. As much as he wanted, he ached, to run to the veil himself, as much as he wanted Sirius to come out, and if that was not possible, to follow him himself, he stopped himself for Harry. He stopped himself because he had to stop Harry. Because he knew Harry would dive headfirst into death if that meant even a 1% chance that Sirius could be saved. Because he knew that if he too followed Sirius into the veil, nothing, not even the worlds most powerful magic, would be able to stop Harry from following them, so he stopped Harry, instead of following Sirius. He mourned to himself, while everyone mourned to Harry. He was forced to deal with the finality of the interference of death between friendships all on his own, and he was, though slightly agitated, happier that what the other outcome meant.

Tonks had noticed him, and he had noticed Tonks, and as much as he wanted to stop himself, as much as he wanted Tonks to comfort him, to hold him, to love him, his love for Tonks had to shine out in a different way, and this he knew. He wanted her to be with a young, whole man, but he couldn't stop himself, so he did what he could to stop her, however she was insistent. She saw him as no one had before, and this was the turning point for him. He gave in. He let love prevail. He married Nymphadora.

But the troubles would not let him go. Tonks was pregnant, and he feared for the child's health and for Tonks' health more than he could even care for his own. He felt that the only way he could help them was to turn his back on them, so he sought Harry out again. He would help Harry, or he would die doing it. It was best for the child, his delirious mind kept telling him, and he kept believing, before he was ripped out of the nonsense by a few true words, harsh as they were, from Harry. So he went back to Tonks. He cared for her, and when the child was born, he cared for him. He thanked Harry before leaving Shell Cottage, because the James, the Harry, the righteous lover, the truster, had told him that he too must love. And he loved, until he received words for the battle that was to start at Hogwarts, and he kissed Tonks and he cradled Ted for a moment, a and he told Andromeda to keep Tonks and Ted safe, and just before he left so that he could reach a spot from where he could apparate from Hogwarts, he called out to Ted and told him that he loved him, and then he rushed out into the night.

He died in the battle of Hogwarts, and when he did, his first thoughts were of Ted, but when he appeared in. . . In whatever came after life, he saw James and Lily right in front of him. They hugged him, but their thoughts seemed elsewhere. And then Tonks appeared behind him, and in the rush of greeting of hugging of expressing love, they both stopped for a moment, both afraid of Ted's future, when James spoke up in a soft voice, "I don't think you need to worry mate."

And unaware of the others who had died, Remus seemed to be able to look down on the living world too, and he saw Molly, who had just moved away from Fred's unmoving body, kneel down next to his and Tonks. Though they were so far away, he could still hear her say in a shakey voice, "I'm not going to let him starve. Not for food, not for love, not for company. I'm going to raise him as my own son, Remus, Tonks, I'm going to raise him the way you would my boys. You needn't worry. Ted Lupin will be a happy loved boy."

And with there words, Molly leaned forward and took one of each, Lupin and Tonks's hands, and she carefully intertwined them, and let them lay gently on the floor between them, and he felt Tonks' hand grab his own, and give it a light squeeze and Remus lived his death in the most happy and comfortable way possible.