Eye contact

Bad memories

Noah's POV...

As soon as I left Ami's room, I headed to the temporary office that I set up here. I have nothing to do. I only came here because I wanted to be alone and meditate. When I was a child, whenever I felt any emotion, I would write it down on a piece of paper and burn it because I didn't believe in telling people how I felt, but I stopped doing it for many years until the day Ami came into my life. I used to be so numb and cold that I didn't even have the feeling to write, but now there's a feeling that can't even be expressed in words.

I don't even know if I can express what I'm feeling right now, I have feelings that I haven't felt in years, I have this strange feeling about her that I don't even know what it is right now, maybe it's love, whatever they call it. I don't even know how to control my emotions. When I get angry, I always lash out at people. I don't let anyone get out of my hands alive. I always end up killing someone. But this is not like that. Anything related to her doesn't make me angry or happy. This is different. No matter what when something good happens between us, it's not just happiness I spend the whole day with a smile on my face. Even the bad things in my life and the bad feelings I feel disappear like nothing happened. I feel as free as a child. But also, any bad opinion she has about me has so much power over me that it hurts my heart more than anything else.

This feeling hurts, no matter what I do, I can't run away from this feeling, whether I hurt someone or hurt myself. What makes it even worse is that I'm not the type of person to talk about my feelings, so maybe writing about it will ease my confusion. I was searching for paper with my eyes to write on until I found some papers on the table that were meant for writing letters, which is a common thing in the mafia. We usually write letters, especially if we want to send confidential messages, we do not trust the Internet in such matters. I picked up one of the stacks of papers and started writing with the pen I found on the table.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey, Emma

It's been a long time since I stopped writing to you, maybe since all my emotions left me except frustration.

I've been cold for years and now all of a sudden all the emotions are swirling around in my head Until I don't even understand what to do.

And now I don't know how to feel because she told the truth that not everyone is as cruel as I am.

To be honest, many people have said the same thing to me before, but when she says it, it hurts differently.

When the words came out of her mouth I felt something hit me in the head, I don't know if it was anger or sadness but I know that I am not mad at her I can never be mad at her I just can't.

But when I think that all she thinks about me is my devilishness, I feel empty.

Sometimes I smile, putting myself in a fake scenarios that will never be true.

"Noah has a big place in my life, maybe he's not a good person, but he always cares about me and yes, I know he loves me."

It's my dream to hear her say that. I'm dying to hear this.

Just the thought of saying that I love you and I care about you makes me feel like a pillar of stone is placed on my heart.

Trying to get the words out of my mouth gives me anxiety and I don't even know how to express my feelings.

I wish I could burn away her bad feelings about me, maybe one day her feelings about me will change. "

I love you Emma & I missed you so much

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stopped writing and silently I looked at the paper from top to bottom. I took out a lighter from my pocket connected the flame to the end of the paper and held it in my hand as I watched it burn, which made me lost in thought. Watching it burn brought me back to my story fifteen years ago, a year after I lost my happy family. I'm Twenty three now, so I was eight at the time. My hands are tied to a chair and James is burning the pictures that my mother used to draw before she died.

"Don't ever ask me about your mother again. Just admit she's dead. Do you hear me? You are stupid ." he shouted at me as he added the remaining pictures to the fire. My body is full of bruises and cuts because he has been hitting and torturing me continuously for days and still in the same condition. I was so tired from crying, trying my best to keep my eyes open. Besides me, I am watching my sister in the same situation as me. She is the meaning of my life. I loved her more than I could possibly say. I would have given my life for her.

James is standing in front of me with a gun in his hand. The reason he is doing this is because I didn't agree to join the mafia. I was only eight years old, but he wanted me to join the mafia training. "Haven't you changed your mind yet?" He said, looking at me with hateful eyes, "I want you to give me back my piano." I said in a tired voice, tears falling from my eyes. It was a gift my mother gave me for my sixth birthday.

When I told him I didn't want to take the mafia training, he took it out of my room and hid it because he knew it was the only memory I had of my mother. "You're still on it? Are you deaf? can't you hear what I'm saying? Even I'm tired of torturing you. How come you're not tired of it? It's better if you don't bother me too much, but if you do I'll do something you'll regret, You got it? you damned boy" he said as he put the gun on my head and with his other hand forced my chin up so I could look him up.

"I just want to go to school and play with my friends," I said in a low voice as I bowed my head to the ground, "I can't with this idiot, are you kidding me? I can't take you anymore," he said as he aimed the gun at my sister's head. "Wait, wait, don't do it, please don't do it, she's the only one I have, please, please," I said, crying loudly as I uttered the last words............

Thanks for reading😊
Sorry for taking so long for chapter 13 I'll publish chapter 14 soon.
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